Who The Fuck Is Going To Be The Next Bachelorette?

Everyone know the Bachelor franchise has always been more successful with picking Bachelorettes than Bachelors. I would rather date way more Bachelorettes. Jojo is forever my Bachelorette #1 but between Rachel Lindsay, Kaitlyn Bristowe, Jillian Harris, Andi Dorfman there have been some wife material Bachelorettes in history.

The rule is that the Bachelorette comes from a previous season and is almost always part of the final 4 of the previous season of the Bachelor. Usually there is one girl with a great personality who is probably too good for the show that the Bachelor doesn’t ‘see a future with’ despite being the only one ready for marriage. Everyone unites across the internet to declare her our Bachelorette and we want her to find love among a sea of skinny jeans and loafers with no socks.

This season, is different. I know that’s what we say every year blah blah blah but that’s just not true. Peter has been that bad at picking a future wife, there’s no one in the top 4 I even want to find love.

I hope Kelsey has a wonderful life and finds some young personal trainer to adopt a labradoodle with but I don’t need to see it play out on TV. She can’t carry this show.

I hope Victoria F meets the man of her dreams, gets married and he leaves her for an even bigger homewrecker. Too harsh? Sorry but it’ll make her a better person. Maybe people would even turn to like her. Am I co-signing a Victoria F Bachelorette season? I would hate watch the fuck out of that.

That leaves Hannah Ann and Madison. Hannah Ann is certainly pretty enough for the part, but she’s almost too pretty. She’s got a lineup of Revolve and Fashion Nova ads on her horizon. The Bachelorette can wait. If Madison finished 3rd or 4th I think she’d be a shoe in. But I think she’s dating Peter in real life and I’m honestly glad, she doesn’t belong in the same company as the Bachelorette queens mostly because of how much she says like.

So exactly what the fuck are we going to do here? I don’t think production has enough balls to give us Kelley even though she was the only tolerable person this season and I’m not sure Kelley would even be into it either. Busy being a lawyer.

I heard a rumor people wanted Tayshia as Bachelorette?? Those people don’t belong in my Bachelore universe. Tayshia?? I mean sure her boobs had a big comeback in Bachelor in Paradise, but I can’t watch a whole season of Tayshia. There is such a thing as too much Tayshia.

ABC would not have the sense to make me the Bachelorette and let me hand select the 25 men because it would be awful television. Night 1 I would cut it down to 4, go on one awkward date and then disappear. Plus being over 25 and over 125 pounds is kind of a turnoff for national tv.

I could see them trying to get progressive and have Demi as the Bachelorette with some Shot at Love with Tila Tequila bisexual vibes, but this is network television we’re talking about. I feel like they’ll probably dip their toes with a black Bachelor or a plus size contestant before going bi.

Personally I think the best decision would be to go with a B-list celebrity that people recognize. Lindsay Lohan would be one hell of a Bachelorette. Vanessa Hudgens could have so many creative group dates like a red carpet race competition or a High School Musical themed date where all the guys perform in a lettermen’s jacket. Gun girl as Bachelorette would be record setting TV.

The moral of the story here is that we are absolutely fucked. There’s no good option–we all lose this time. We’re all going to watch this shitshow no matter if they roll Tomi Lahren out there.



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