Here are Bill Walton's rankings of the top five sweatiest people ever: pic.twitter.com/AxPzbgVpU0
— Awful Announcing (@awfulannouncing) February 21, 2020
Bill Walton: Classic Dead fan, Pac 12 College Basketball Analyst, National Treasure.
He delivered just another all-time comment during a broadcast last night. His mind trailed off to Ken Kesey and how he is:
“…a transcendent vessel of loving knowledge. He’s a traveling salesman. He sells hope. That’s hope with an ‘H.’ And he’s the fourth sweatiest person ever, in the history of the world.”
Couldn’t of said it better myself! Ken Kesey who attended Oregon and wrote the book, “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest” supposedly was a really sweaty guy. He was really big into hallucinigens and drugs so I’m sure him and Big Red hung out once or twice in the 70s. Dave Pasch asked Walton to name his top-5 and Walton happily obliged. So who were the sweatiest guys ever according to Bill Walton?
- Wilt Chamberlain
I feel like camera technology in the 70s doesn’t do Wilt’s sweaty moniker justice. Wilt Chamberlain just doesn’t strike me as a sweaty guy. The fact most of the photos taken of him were in black and white. I’m sure he broke more sweats in the bedroom than he did playing against 6’4 centers in the 70s. But if Bill Walton is that confident enough to place The Stilt number 1 in his sweaty Power Rankings, why shouldn’t I believe him.
2. Moses Malone
Now we’re cooking! Moses Malone is the type of guy who just looks like he sweats when he does any sort of activity. In church? Sweating and waving the hymn book to try to cool off. He’s basically your mid-50s mother in law who has the house on 65 degrees in the winter because she’s going through hot flashes. So everyone has to suffer. Look at our guy Moses here. It looks like he jumped in a pool before taking this free throw.
If that guy comes to the park on a humid day I’d refuse to guard him. He’s the guy you guard that posts you up once and you don’t know who’s sweat is who’s. There’s nothing worse than playing the sweaty guy when your shirt is dry because you just got on the court. Moses is the Along Came Polly basketball scene.
3. Bill Walton
We finally know where Mose Schrute got his inspiration for his beard/hair combo. Holy shit I never knew that’s what Bill Walton looked like at parts of his career. He looks like the Unabomber mixed with Jerry Garcia. I think Bill is just being humble with his pick for who is the sweatiest of all time. There is no chance Wilt Chamberlain was sweatier or smellier than a hallucinating Bill Walton fresh off a camping trip at the base of Mt. Hood in the Oregon forests. I feel like I could lick Walton in the 70s like he was a toad and have psychedelic effects from all of the acid in his body.
4. Ken Kesey
Ken Kesey is the only one we do not have game film on to know just how sweaty he really was. He’s like our Paul Arizin. You just need to believe he was as sweaty as he was from all the stories. Kesey grew up in Portland and Bill Walton rarely left the Pacific Northwest so I’m going to side with that Bill actually knows what he’s talking about on this one. Kesey wrote “One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest” and its movie adaptation netted Jack Nicholson his first Oscar for “Best Actor”. Kesey once took a cross country psychedelic trip with the Grateful Dead and Neal Cassady and basically introduced America to the Californian Hippie in his book. He was a college wrestler for Oregon and those guys hate to not sweat. I think 4th is a good position for our guy Kesey.
5. Patrick Ewing
This is the LeBron vs. MJ who is the sweatiest GOAT debate. These types of debates gain steam when someone is grossly misplaced not in the rafters with other legends. Patrick Ewing was the sweatiest guy ever. It didn’t help there were millions of lights on him at Madison Square Garden and he was a chronic choker in big moments. To have him at number 5 is like saying MJ is a fringe top-5 player of all time. Look at the Sultan of Sweat, the Colossus of Clammy, Patrick Ewing is the GOAT of Glowing.
Respect the GOATs Bill Walton! There’s obviously generational bias as Walton never played against Ewing. Walton didn’t realize the NBA can transform and players could get faster, stronger, sweatier than their counterparts that came before them. Call it recency bias, but if this was my list Patrick Ewing would be a clear #1 overall pick in the All-Time Sweaty Draft. I mean the stories of ball boys slipping on the court trying to mop up his sweat are still told to this day. He once shorted out a surge protector at a press conference due to excessive sweat during the playoffs and no one was able to get their column filed in time. Ewing was always humble during his career and never let it be known he thought himself as the GOAT of sweat. He would never have an ego like Icarus and fly too close to the sun. Because to sweat at MSG is one thing, but to sweat wclose to the sun and risk losing all that water from his body was another.
Honorable Mention Sweaty Guys who just missed the list: