The “Boner 4Ever” building has been a staple in Philadelphia forever. It’s easily the most famous graffiti in the entire city. It was something everyone should get a good laugh at while riding down Broad Street. It finally got it’s shine in the spotlight this summer when it went national. Just a big ‘ol Boner right in Wolf Blitzer’s eyeball.
Well it turns out people are up in arms about the fact the Boner 4Ever building plans to be renovated into a Marriot. What the fuck do we need another Marriot for? We have like 10 of those. And who’s staying in a hotel at the intersection of Broad and Erie? That Marriot is going to be back to the dilapidated Boner 4Ever building in 2 years.
they’re getting rid of the boner 4ever building in north for this piece of shit?? pic.twitter.com/N9cLlxUp4I
— greenville, sc tap water fan account (@absinthefather) February 16, 2020
If I ever went on the bachelor and had a hometown date I’d definitely show him the infamous North Philly boner 4ever building not rly sure what else we’d do tho
— Blachel (@JustLetIt_BURN) February 18, 2020
Willing to lay down my life to protect the Boner 4Ever building
— Lucas 🚉 (@WeirdHandLuke) February 17, 2020
NOOOOO!!!! This boner was supposed to be 4Ever! 😭https://t.co/coczqQlfLO
— Stephanie Farr (@FarFarrAway) February 17, 2020
But it turns out for the first time ever public outrage over something trivial has brought positive change. The Marriot developers are trying to find a way to incorporate the Boner 4Ever graffiti into the plans. We’re officially #Boning4Ever.
Picture someone from out of town staying in this Marriot.
You wanted to do something nice for your family so you packed up your bags and caught a flight from Wisconsin to witness where America was born, Philadelphia. You found this awesome deal for $200/night rooms for a Marriot on the corner of Erie and Broad. You touch down at Philly International and take an Uber to the hotel thinking it’ll take 15 minutes because you can see the skyline from Terminal B. Turns out you arrive 90 minutes later because there was a crash on 95 and your route took you through the scariest places you’ve ever seen. You clutched you’re children tighter and heard the Uber driver lock the doors of his Honda Odyssey. There was a tent city, and streets that had A, B, C on them like the city’s Streets Department didn’t feel safe staying in this part of town long enough to name them. You expected to see the crack in the Liberty Bell, but instead you only saw the crack of the bum shitting in the middle of the street holding up traffic.
You finally arrive and are greeted by the bright neon lights of a Church’s chicken across the street. You quickly rush your family into the lobby dodging trash and bike parts strewn about the sidewalk. There check-in is the first thing to go well. Petrified by the outside surroundings that look straight out of I Am Legend you decide to order room service rather than risk being stabbed during a Full Moon.
Your sushi was fantastic, pleasantly surprised by the freshness of the Philadelphia & Alaskan roll. Your kids loved their options as well. Burger and fries for Cindy and a vegan option for Tess. “God, why can’t she just eat normal fucking food.” you think to yourself. You decide to watch a movie, Toy Story 4, an easy flick the family can enjoy before bed. Just then, your stomach starts to churn. You play it off like it’s gas from the fish until it starts to become unbearable that you must go to the bathroom. As you sit down you start decorating the porcelain toilet with 4th of July poop fireworks. You feel as though your intestines are going to leak out of your butt. Your wife comes to the door to see if everything’s alright because you’ve now missed half of the movie. You let out a tiny whimper, “Don’t come in here.” because currently there is an aroma of some of the foulest smells known to man. If your wife got one whiff she’d divorce you by dawn. After inhaling a sleeve of Imodium your finally able to get to sleep at 2am. The kids are ready for breakfast and full of vibrant life because they slept 8 hours and didn’t have Mt. Vesuvius erupt out of their asshole. You go downstairs and get some eggs, sausage links, and an apple juice from the overpriced continental breakfast you paid $20/piece for. Anything to fill your stomach. As you’re hands are shaking to get that first bite into your mouth you look up and see a “Boner 4Ever” silhouette in red on a white backdrop. You look around the room, it’s everywhere, including above your head. But people can’t see the “4Ever” part of the slogan. So anyone who looks at you sees “Boner” like there’s an arrow pointing at some flaccid freak show. This has set you over the edge. Something you wanted to do nice for the family has backfired into a colossal joke on you. You vow to never return to Philly. While promising to hate everything and anyone from here.
What you didn’t know was? You were about to wait 90 minutes in line for a stupid crack in a bell you could’ve seen on Google images.