How I Think Every Branded Blogger Will Die

Wow, some heavy stuff here on a Friday afternoon. But the grim reaper is coming for all of us one day and I love gambling. Put those two together and you’ve got yourself a good old fashion death pool. So here is my breakdown of how I see each blogger biting the bullet.

Jimmy Dingers: I still don’t have a great pulse on Jimmy yet. His picks have made me money so I guess I like him. But I’ll tell you who doesn’t like him. The husband of the random wife he bangs. The guy has a mustache that is second to none.


He’s going to ruin a marriage and then he will be murdered in cold blood. Women are only human and look at that thing.

Joey Boats: Joey is a complete wildcard. He could die of a heart attack tomorrow or from jackhammer accident. If I had to guess though I assume it will be some bizarre version of Russian Roulette. Gun involved yes, but it’s gonna be a nail gun. Boats will be making some hilarious video and then BANG. Right to the temple. The first one isn’t going to kill him. The 9th should do the job.

Gamblin Dan: Me. I’m going to kill him. He’s roughly one more bad Ben Simmons take away from getting Mollywhopped. I’d be shocked if we make it through the playoffs without me burying him under my garage.

Eddie: This one is the easiest. I would bet my life that Eddie dies for not being able to pay his bookie. Not because he’s a scumbag, he is, but because he only loses bets. I mean his biggest moment at Branded so far is this gif.


That’s the moment a drunk beyond belief Eddie lost his millionth bet of the night. Was I also rubbing it in at an annoying level. Sure was. But either way, a losing bet is a losing bet. No way his life doesn’t end at the hands of his book keeper.

Aidan: The quiet nice guy at Branded. He’s fit, probably eats a lot of salads and he can’t drink worth shit. He’s going to live a long life with a billion grand kids. His family will adore him and they’ll call him poppy A. Sweet little Aidan will die peaceful in his bed surrounded by his trophy wife he attracted with all the Branded money seeing as he was the last living member by the year 2031.

Jay: Another easy one. Was originally thinking heart explodes from too much pre workout. But that’s too obvious. Forever he has said his goal in life is to be a model for Ryobi. I mean look at his fucking profile pic.


After years of unsuccessful attempts to get Ryobi’s attention Jay will decide he has to up the ante. He starts recording videos of himself doing yard work. Then he starts mixing in juggling. Next thing you know he cuts his head off with a Ryobi chainsaw. His daughter sues the company and ends up being the thing that destroys the company he loved so much. Sad.

Ali: If you know anything about Ali it is that she is obsessed with Wes Welker. She apparently even named her cat Wes Welker junior. It’s an unhealthy obsession but better than the one she had for Aaron Hernandez. Jeeezzzzzzzzz. Eventually her obsession will go too far. After years of trying to get Wes’ attention and even making her boyfriend’s legally change their name. She’ll have had enough. After her cat Wes Welker XIII passes away she will decide that a 14th cat won’t due. No it’s time to step it up to the real thing. By now Wes has become aware that he has a fatal attraction level stalker and beefs up his home security just to be safe. Doesn’t stop Ali. One night she cuts the power to his house to eliminate the system. She plans the perfect way to kidnap him and take him back to her ranch she purchased under Peyton Manning’s name. But she forgot about one small detail. Barbed wire. She sees it and thinks, “I’ve come too far to turn around.” In an attempt to climb over it she get entangled and never escapes. They find her the next day. At her funeral there is a man in the back hiding in a big coat with an obviously fake mustache. Later Ali’s mother is informed Wes came to pay his respects.

KMess: This is another easy one for me. If I were putting odds, I lay this at like -450. Kevin will die from rhabdomyolysis. If you’re thinking I made up that word, I didn’t, it means basically your muscles get so sore that they can’t get oxygen which leads to kidney damage and failure. This is going to happen because kevin does roughly 60,000 squats a week. His arms have become a little soft.  Not like 145lb Eddie soft but nothing like those tree trunks he’s walking around town with. I imagine on his 39th set of deadlifts his legs will just explode and they are going to have to clean him up with a sponge. If they can somehow save his life by amputating his legs and he is in a wheel chair the rest of his life than my answer changes drastically. He’ll end up dead attempting so version of the high class minute where he tries to ‘pimp his ride.’ Ends up putting too much Nos on his wheelchair and it fires him 130 feet in the air. When he lands once again….sponge.

College Mike: Penn State will finally win a national championship in the next decade. There will be a party in State College that will be seen from space. Things will obviously get out of hand quick. While College Mike is trying to keep up with the young whipper snappers that are raging in ways he’s never seen before. He will accidentally be shot square in the face with a can of tear gas. He won’t be dead from the first shot but he will be delirious. Mass hysteria will break out and College Mike will be trampled to death. Take peace in knowing that it will be the exact way he’d like to die. I’m guessing.

Kyle: This one might sound sad at first but hear me out. Kyle will be shot 45 times and that’s how he will meet his maker. I know it sounds sad but here’s the thing. The police are the ones that will be doing the shooting. Why you ask? Because Kyle is going to turn into the biggest serial killer since Ted Bundy. I’ve met the guy a few times and let me tell you. He’s got cold blood killer written all over him. Look at this side by side with Buffalo Bill.

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Bone chillingly similar. Not saying they are related but Buffalo Bill is 100000% Kyle’s real father. So how does Kyle go from a sweet fun loving lunatic to just a lunatic? Fairly easy. He loses all sense of his own reality. He becomes obsessed with followers and fame. If you look closely the transformation to murdering psycho has already begun.

Kyle will realize the easiest way to become famous is the Luka Manotta method. He then starts piling up the body count. Before too long the FBI is involved and they attempt to kick down his apartment door one night. Him and all the ladies he hangs out with are trying to enjoy some Bravo TV when this all goes down. He takes the girls hostage and even bites one of them on the leg for no reason during the chaos. Hours pass and it’s determined by the police that they need to go in fast and strong. They finally break down the door guns blazing. It’s pure madness, bullets flying in every direction. When the dust settles Kyle is laying on the floor looking like swiss cheese. All the girls are gone as well, casualties during the gun fight. All in all Kyle The Smiling Murder Machine, as he becomes famously known world wide, will have killed 99 people. That one girl that got away in Lincoln Nebraska will always haunt him.

Soooooo yeah. That’s how it’s all going to go down.

Me. We’ll I’m never going to die. I will be frozen and in the year 2842 Walt Disney and I will rule the world.

Have a great weekend people

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