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I spent a lazy hungover Sunday scrolling through Twitter, Instagram, back to Twitter, in between XFL plays like a mindless robot who stays alive off of smut and cynicism. It was a regular lazy Sunday as I look for things I can make fun of, when a NY Post Headline stopped me in my tracks.
Majority of serial killers are Taurus, study claims https://t.co/xDWB6CxBtJ pic.twitter.com/BlSVqhmrOq
— New York Post (@nypost) February 8, 2020
I immediately polled the Branded writers to see who was a Taurus so I knew who to avoid at the future company Christmas parties. My first thought was Eddie was definitely a Taurus. A guy who bets on a volatile league like the NBA as much as he does is a psychopath. But I wouldn’t be surprised if someone out of left field like Jessie turned out to be the Broomall version of a Zodiac Killer. For a guy that has a wife and 1 year old at home, he is way too energetic and positive and he has tendencies like Patrick Bateman. One time we all Skyped each other to talk about ideas and the future of Branded, and that guy must’ve moved to 6 different rooms in his house within an hour, while laying down in compromising poses, making sure we all saw his bicep like he was trying to Alpha us. I don’t believe there is anything Jessie loves more than a nice ‘Arm Day’ pump at the 24 Hour Fitness. It turns out though that the only psycho we have is the Yankees, Cowboys, Notre Dame fan. His insane fandom mixed with an insane addiction to flesh and murder does correlate so it wasn’t to shocking.
Back to the NY Post article. After, I did my due diligence, I noticed the jeans the knife wielding man in the stock photo was wearing. They’re probably some classic Wranglers bought off the rack at his local Wal-Mart after he saw one of those homo-erotic Brett Favre commercials on a football Sunday, feeling a sensation in his lower groin he had never felt before in his Dickies. But these jeans were different. The pockets were on his thighs, and there was no zipper for him to pull his serial killer dick out of. Which means, this dude had his pants on backwards. Fuck if this guy was a Leo or Sagittarius, that is pre-crime for a serial killer. This guy probably pees like the weird kid who still pulled his pants down to his ankles at the urinal in 4th grade. Like hey, it was ok in Kindergarten and 1st grade. Second grade it got a little weird, but you’re about to be double digits in age, clean it the fuck up. There is no chance I’m friends with anyone who dropped trow in 4th grade. Because those kids sit in Graterford prison doing time for drug possession or murder.
Pants have had an illustrious history through the years. You had Levi’s, Bell Bottoms, skinny jeans, and JNCOs. Chicks had the bedazzled butt with “Juicy” or “Pink” across it, that gave you a reason to check out their ass. All of these at one point became the popular design for a certain subset of culture. Which got me thinking – just wearing your pants backwards like it’s a normal thing around everyday people is bad enough. So I wanted to help you out, the loyal reader, with what other “Pre-Crime Pants” you should avoid if you come into contact with these beasts. Because if you die, that’s one less reader we’ll have, and that’s one less piece of merch we sell, one less engagement on Twitter, and I can’t afford that on my conscience (pocket).
Zip-off pants
When I was 7 and saw my first pair of zip-off pants, I thought they were the coolest thing ever. If it’s mid-April and the weather doesn’t break until noon they were the perfect catalyst. Just think you could dress for the 45 degree morning and by the time it was 75 at 1pm, and you were dying, you could let the legs breathe and zip them off. Maybe get a light jog at lunch or play the guys in pickup after work when you didn’t have time to change. Travel soccer dad’s absolutely crushed these. These were basically the polar opposite to the guy who never wore pants, even if it was 20 degrees out. He wanted all the parents to know who the Alpha dog was in the parent group. The guy always had the nicest calfs to, probably why he refused to wear pants.
What did people do with the zip off part? Put it in their pockets for later like it was loose change?
Cammo Cargo Shorts
This guy carries a switch blade or Swiss Army Knife everywhere he goes because “you never know”. And by “you never know” he just hasn’t decided on the proper time to kill you yet or you just have never been in a remote part of the country with him alone. These guys come in handy maybe once every couple of years. From my time with switchblade enthusiasts, there isn’t much middle ground. The line goes from outdoors enthusiast to guy who likes to widdle or carve his initials into stuff to skinning small animals and showing you pictures. I can’t take the chances that the latter will ever happen, so I remove Army Cargo pants guy from my life.
Sidenote: These guys are also apart of the great calves club too.
JNCOs
Listen if you’re not at a Juggalo concert and you hang out with someone who wears these run as far away as you can. If it’s a neighbor – move. Because maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday you are going to end up in their freezer and their going to dice you up into little Kyle bits of sushi. If your friend is mixing their vodka with Faygo then remain calm. Your friend just loves Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope and might paint their face to look like a clown on weekends when they’re “running errands all day”.
Breakaway pants (not in high school or at a basketball game)
Listen, I’m in the camp that breakaway pants should make a comeback. Breakaway pants are the greatest thing ever. You spend 10 minutes making sure the buttoning them, just to rip them off like you’re Michael Jordan about to drop 50 on the Utah Jazz. But if someone is wearing breakaway pants willingly and there is no basketball court within a 10 mile radius, leave that area immediately. Because shit is going down if it already hasn’t. Breakaway pants should be worn on the hardwood and blacktop, no where else.
I’d be lying to you if I didn’t say that picture above of the guy ripping off his breakaway jeans didn’t get me thinking that my opinion on these are wrong. There aren’t many things worse than having to change out of jeans when you want to go to bed. It’s such a process. Imagine coming home from the bar hammered and all you have to do is rip those bad boys off and get under the covers with a first class ticket to Dream City. That’s a million dollar idea.
*quickly tries to find the trademark on tearaway jeans*
Starter Shorts
Nothing tells you how poor you were growing up like a pair of Starter shorts. While all the other kids were balling out in Nike and Adidas shorts you had basically the Iverson Answer 4’s attached to your hips. Remember the answer 4’s? Those shoes were like 15 oz each. It was like wearing two cinderblocks on your feet. Mix that with 5 lbs of Starter short material and my already unathletic body could barely jump over loose leaf paper.
The fact that Iverson dropped 30 a game wearing these isn’t talked about enough. That might be the greatest single season in NBA history.