Kylie Jenner reveals that daughter Stormi has a peanut allergy. https://t.co/ZULnzl7cXs
— ABC News (@ABC) February 5, 2020
Fucking A, ABC News. Can we get a little warning before you’re dropping a boulder sized worth of news right on our heads out of nowhere. First Kobe, now this??
You have to wonder – Was the Baby Nut sent to kill Stormi Jenner? It’s pretty convenient Planters decided to kill off the Planters peanut and introduce us to the Baby Nut right before this news comes out. Do we have eyes on the Baby Nut? Could you imagine if Baby Nut and Baby Yoda team up? Listen Stormi is fucked if that’s the case.
It goes deeper. Her own father, Travis Scott, may be conspiring with the Baby Nut with his Reese’s Puffs sponsorship? The facts are all there. This story is taking the twists and turns of a future thriller on Lifetime.
And it’s not just peanuts it’s all nuts. We’re talking almonds, Wal, hazel, cashews, pistacchios, Caitlins. Every last nut on this planet.
How about Stormi being ostracized to the Peanut Allergy table now during lunch? You know how embarrassing that is? You might as wear a scarlet letter if you were forced to sit at the Peanut Allergy table as a kid. Nobody wanted to interact with the Peanut Allergy kid, they might as well had leprosy. I know kids who risked their deadly Peanut Allergy just to sit with their friends. I’m telling you being forced to sit at the Peanut Allergy was worse than being an Untouchable in the caste system.
I honestly believe I could defeat a Peanut Allergy. I don’t actually believe they’re deadly. It’s the most common food allergy in the country. Kills people. Not me. I’d eat peanuts until I morphed my immune system into a barbarian that needs to survive on nuts. And if they are I’ll just go back in time and murder George Washington Carver, problem solved.