Gwyneth Paltrow Loves Vaginas More Than You Love Anything

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Gwyneth Paltrow’s company Goop is basically just centered around vaginas and junk science. That’s why there is a warning before every episode that the show is more to entertain than provide Dr. recommended science. She sells a $75 candle that smells like her vagina, she was sued for charging people $66 eggs you shove up your vagina to increase hormone levels, and she endorsed a vaginal steaming spa. I’m willing to bet everyone that works at Goop does not read Branded Sports. No chance Liza Minelli here and I would have any small talk to make at a party.




In Goop Lab on Netflix, Gwyneth Paltrow basically forces her employees do a bunch of junk science for her entertainment. They do mushrooms in Jamaica to cure anxiety, sit in a freezing cold lake to build their immune system, and try vampire facials where you use your own blood. It’s like the TB12 Method minus the human growth hormone. Episode 3 of Goop Lab was a wild ride. It was literally filled with a bunch of vaginas and flapjack titties. This episode was about a bunch of horny women who don’t get fucked enough by their husbands. Who complain that they love their husband, but that intimacy is hard. At one time you were just watching a couple of people talk about the beauty of vulvas because some 90 year old lady put the kebash on the word vagina. As you’re watching this show wondering if you should question every decision you’ve made up until this point, all of a sudden BANG! right in your eyeball. Vagina’s of all different shapes and sizes. You had your vaginas that looked like Oompa Loompa’s after going to the local Tantopia. Others that looked more like Roast Beef. One looked like it was hibernating, another looked like it was growing Abe Lincolns beard around ready to give the Gettysburg Address.

All I know is the star of the episode was 90 year old Betty Dodson who’s made a living off of erotic sex art and giving sex workshops for 60 years.

Betty Dodson knows her way around a vagina like Sacajawea did the Manifest Destiny. Look at this horny bitch talking about a vulva.

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The woman gazing at her clit with the wonderment of seeing a baby bird hatch from it’s egg is Betty’s business partner. This feels like an HR issue. This feel’s like Matt Lauer’s automatic lock dungeon office. You don’t see me trying to help Joe explore his dick like he’s some 6 year old who just discovered it. I think Joe and I have a balance of unwritten rules where he’ll never expect me to bring over a mirror and lamp cause he wanted me to look at this odd mole on his undercarriage. That’s what Kmess is for.

Listen I know dicks aren’t the most beautiful thing in the world. They look like the pink worm from that one Spongebob episode.



But the amount of disrespect they’ve been getting in society is unreal considering the way some of these vaginas looked on the screen.  It just wasn’t a good day for vaginas. Let’s just all agree to continue to do the sex and not remind ourselves how ugly penises and vaginas are.

Am I immature because I prefer a vagina to be completely bald? I’d like to think that’s normal.

P.S. This blog made absolutely no sense, I recognize that.


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