So Apple is releasing 117 new emojis for 2020 and there are some interesting choices. I don’t understand how there hasn’t been a blueberry or magic wand emoji before, but glad we have them now. I think for the most part Apple covered all their bases, the outrage will be minimum, but lets talk about a couple that caught my eye.
Let’s get the first one out of the way that I know no one is going to agree upon. It’s going to pit conservatives vs. liberals, cultures, and family against each other. But I think it’s brave by Apple to release it.
All over Twitter people are calling this the “Italian Grandma” or “Gabba-gool”. People are idiots. This is most clearly someone rolling up a booger and about to flick it on their living room floor. As a guy who knows a thing or two about sitting on the couch during a Football Sunday I also know a thing or two about rolling up a nice booger and flicking it out of my site. I sometimes do it with belly button lint too – if there’s enough build up. If you had one of those blackout lights from MTV’S Room Raiders, but it was strictly for booger finding, then I’d be scared to see what you’d find.
You probably think I’m some monster, but I’m actually perfectly normal. I can’t be held accountable for what happens when I blackout listening to Scott Hanson during an Octo-box. Sometimes I just happen to find my finger up my nose trying to touch my brain.
These next two are going to get people people all kinds of ways. I’m surprised there hasn’t been a segment on Good Morning America or The View about people up in arms over the audacity to put a man in a veil and a woman in a tuxedo. Did we finally kill outrage culture? We’ve got a new emoji for that.
If I ever can afford Vail you best believe I’m going to use the fuck out of this emoji. Friends will be texting me where am I, and I’ll hit them back with this. On the slopes? Veil. At the lodge getting hammered cause I sprained my ankle, cause I’m a giraffe on skis? Veil.
Basically we have Janice Ian, Ellen, Ruby Rose, Oprah, and Gayle King. Moving On!
On the other hand look at the fucking ass on this Bison! The entire Kardashian clan has just been put on notice by the Great Plains. You think I’m sending the “Peach” emoji anymore? Hell no. My girl’s been up in the gym just working on her fitness. She’s doing squats to get that Bison ass! The Bison emoji might be the clear winner of all of this. Mark my words the Bison takes over the peach in 2020. That’s my Bold Prediction.
Introducing the new eggplant emoji. It started with “You up?” texts, then it morphed to just throwing the Eggplant emoji out there and seeing if you could get a nibble, but now the game has been flipped on it’s head. The ladies had their time firing off the eggplant emoji, the guys are now in the catbird seat. College campuses are going to be sending the most Beaver Emojis per capita in the wee hours of the morning. We’re taking back the emoji game. Now all we need is the Clam and next step would be world domination.
How many times do you think Aaron Hernandez would’ve sent this to Odin Lloyd?
This is supposed to be a “Flatbread”, but you’ve got another thing coming if you think I’m calling this anything but “Turkey Burger”.
I don’t understand the point of the insects. Who the hell is going to text each other emojis of insects? Unless your boyfriend is an exterminator or you have a really good relationship with your exterminator to go along with your insect problem. Which I feel would only translate to people who live in New York. No chance these make it to the 14th version of the emojis.
This brings back some mid-90s feels because I was instantly reminded of two things. This is two Flubber’s just hugging it out (R.I.P Robin Williams) or this is the AIM Running Man icon’s children hugging it out at his funeral.
Are this guy:
The AIM Running Man had to die so the blue hugging emoji guys could fly.
This is the most descriptive organs I’ve ever seen in my life. Who needs to be sending the anatomical versions of their hearts and lungs to people? If I tell someone I love them are they going to send me this heart back? I don’t need to see your left descriptive version of your left atrium, hungover on a Sunday with my anxiety through the ceiling. Sometimes I get worried as a society we are going to stop texting words and just text using emojis. Though efficient, I’m not onboard. We’re not too far off from me texting my Aunt, “How’s Uncle Rick doing?” And she just replies with this heart and a red “X” which I’m supposed to decipher as heart attack and Uncle Rick is dead. Or if someone sends me the lungs and a cigarette emoji to tell me they have lung cancer I’m officially giving up on this life.
Listen, black cats are nothing to mess with and Shadow here better not come across my timeline. I don’t need digital bad luck when I’m already fending off the bad luck of life.
Get the extinct animals out of my face. I will never be sending the dodo bird and the only time I’m sending a mammoth is describe the chick my buddy took home at 3am the night before.
Quick Power Rankings of Emojis:
- The Booger Flicker