BREAKING: Leaked Snapchat of Eagles Offensive Coordinator Job Description Is a Doozy!

kylep1234

eagles JD WM

 

Holy shit. I can’t believe this is actually a real thing. A source close to the organization sent me this directly. We did our due diligence, you think Joe would let me just post anything all willy nilly without fact checking? No. We are the epitome of journalism. Didn’t you see my Male Sex Robot blog or the one of me mocking a 13 year old for getting smacked around by an oversized muppet earlier this week? Journalism personified. Also, they use the same corporate “Desired Competencies” that every JD has on the Eagles LinkedIn career site.

Screen Shot 2020-01-23 at 6.43.35 PM

 

This job description is a DOOZY! Do people still say doozy? Well whatever the kids are saying now instead of doozy this is it.

First things first…CAN WE PLEASE SUSPEND ALL PICTURES OF NICK FOLES RELATED SUPER BOWL CONTENT POST 2018? Jesus Christ, some of us are working tirelessly, defending the Carson Wentz Wagon, fending off any opponent to dispel the notion that the Eagles should’ve kept Foles. It doesn’t help that the tiny subset of Eagles fans that actually believe Nick Foles should be the QB over Wentz is consistently are reciprocated by ESPN mouthpieces Stephen A. and Max Kellerman. I know he was apart of the greatest moment in Eagles history, but how many other Google images can be found that can replace this one. Put Kevin Hart drunk as fuck trying to get on stage as the background instead of this one.

I’m assuming Doug, Howie, and some of the offensive guys all have a hand in drafting this JD up. I’m actually really impressed a bunch of football guys were able to put together enough complete sentences to actually not sound like a neanderthal hammering a rock against the ground to create fire. Then again, this is probably the 9th draft, and Howie probably just said “Fuck it.” and decided to complete it himself.

Let’s unpack the 4th bullet under “Position Summary” because this is probably the biggest problem why OC’s are getting gobbled up left and right by everyone else and except the Eagles.

Ability to assist the head coach in play calling while simultaneously making proper personnel changes. 

So basically the Eagles want Dwight Schrute. An assistant to the Offensive Coordinator .

dwight

 

Could we leave it out of the job description, Doug/Howie? Maybe bring it up in the interview off the cuff. Maybe at the end when there’s 5 minutes left after you’re done wheeling and dealing? “Oh, yea, by the way you’re not really going to be calling plays. But we’ll definitely consult you.”

Prior familiarity leading an inexperienced core and overcoming obstacles on & off the field. 

red cup gif

 

I mean the writing is on the wall is right there. Multiple shots fired, in a fucking job description! If the shrine to Nick Foles in the background wasn’t enough to convince you this team is potentially worried about Carson its this line. I mean if you look at the last year, funny enough this bullet actually is probably needed.

How are you at handling your star wide receiver going to Josina Anderson after a tough two game stretch?

Can you give me examples when someone internally spoke to sources and tried to ruin the season? How did you overcome it?

Wild the Eagles even need to put this in the JD, but I guess that is 2020 in the NFL nowadays.

Coaches participants in the skills necessary for football. 

Read: “Soccer, basketball, baseball coaches need not apply.” Glad they are focusing on football activities only at the NovaCare complex.

Ability to maintain confidentiality of employment and organization matters. 

Stop Snitchin’. I’ve got just the guy in mind for the job.

 

Experience with Excel

If you never put “proficient in Excel” on your resume coming out of college you obviously didn’t go to business school. Proficient in Excel let the hiring manager  know you meant business. I’m pretty sure Graham Harrell rescinded his application because Mike Leach never taught him Excel at Texas Tech.

8-10 years experience…from an offensive focused coaching tree.

Fuck this has an Andy Reid or Sean McVay protege written all over it. Does Mike Martz still have a coaching tree in the NFL or are they all dead? I feel like someone from that tree is a close 3rd. We’re going to end up with like the Quality Control coach from Kansas City or the Rams and the pieces on NBC Sports Philly how he developed Patrick Mahomes or Jared Goff are going to be written before the ink is even dry on the contract.

Ability to work in Philadelphia. No remote employees will be considered. 

Fuck that! Make this a remote position! I want my Offensive Coordinator Skyping in from Los Angeles mid-January because the Angelo Cataldi takes will be the spiciest in years! The head of old blue collar coots in Delco and Northeast Philly would spontaneously combust if there was a TV on the sideline and some dude was calling plays from thousands of miles away. Get Graham Harell back on the phone. Tell him remote work is in the cards so he doesn’t have to leave LA and call plays in 20 degree weather in January. I need the Air Raid!

 

What a job description. I can’t believe this got green-lit and actually made it to other people within the organization. Could you see the Patriots doing this? Nope it would just be can you be physically and emotionally reprimanded by a guy who has a history of not being able to draft viable weapons for his once in a generation QB? You’ve got the job.

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