Oh Festivus, something I didn’t know to much about until a couple years ago seeing as I wasn’t the biggest Seinfeld guy growing up. It was just outside my age window so sue me. I also have a hill to die on about Seinfeld that I won’t touch here because it will get out of hand. I instead am going to air out some grievances I have with our Branded family. And away we go.
Dubs: Ummmmmm where are you? Are you still alive? Not that you owe any of us an explanation but you have other people besides your grandparents that care about you here. Just blink twice if you’re ok. Also blog more.
KMess: You’re a scumbag Cowboys fan. Damnit you do a great job with the twitter but when I think about you in your Cowboys jersey I want to put a fist in your suck hole. Also blog more.
Joey Boats: You not coming to Atlanta to create content during the Peach Bowl is a borderline death by firing squad offense. You’re the most electrifying man here on camera. The options were endless. Also blog more.
Eddie: Go fuck yourself. STOP BETTING ON THE SIXERS!!! You’re bad luck and I know a part of it is you’re doing it on purpose to ruin the team within. You’re 145 lbs as well, stop lying about it. Also blog more.
Jay: Your biceps can go eat a dick. You constantly rub it in my face that you don’t even do arm day. GTFOH. Hope dad bod catches up to you in the worst way. And I’m pretty sure you still have my power washer. You know I love power washing in the dead of winter. Also blog more.
Kyle: I offer you an extra ticket to see Nova Kansas and you spit in my face. It was a 1 point upset over the #1 seed. Guess you think that’s just small potatoes. Not to mention you’ve never one time tried to teach me how to bartend. Everyone knows it’s something I want to learn to do. That and juggling (Jay) Get our Instagram followers up. Also blog more.
Ali: Bad Gal Ali some call you, Aka Robert Kraft’s lawyer. You get a new job and now all of a sudden you don’t have time to get C&Ds sent to the “office?” Hurts. Add that to the fact you clearly think my wife is better than me and made that publicly known is also tough to swallow. Be better and also blog more.
Aidan: Get out of New York. City is a shit hole and you’re a shit hole for going. Come back to Philadelphia. You and Kyle should be a in the city 1-2 punch. But no, you’re off galavanting with Jay-Z and Alicia Keys. Fuck off. Also BLOG MORE!!
Gamblin Dan: I gonna elbow drop your throat into oblivion if you keep tweeting your opinions from the branded bets account or talk shit about Ben Simmons. I will end you. Not like IN fire, like BY fire. You’re like a pebble stuck in my swim trunks. Also blog more.
That’s it for 2019 Festivus. Looking forward to a big productive 2020. Thank you I guess to all the bloggers for everything this year but for the love of fucking god blog more. Thanks again. But blog more. Thanks. But ya know.
Ps. If you don’t retweet this blog I’ll know you didn’t read it and I’ll call you out.