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Ranking The Best Sex Tape/Nude Performances In The Historic Month Of December 2019

BadGalAli

I can’t remember a bigger month in the history of months for the unwarranted release of male celebrity nudes and sex tapes. The internet is finally learning what it’s like to be a woman every day. It feels like every time I have seen someone trending on Twitter in the last 30 days, it’s not because they died or were accused of sexual assault, it’s because a picture of their dick has been exposed.

In the past the majority of the scandals have been aimed at women. We’ve seen countless celebrity boobs; I’m honestly desensitized to it at this point. You can go to Emily Rajatkowski’s Instagram and see them every day. But never have we seen more D list celebrity D than this month.

Having your nudes or sex tapes hit the internet can go one of two ways, both extremes. You can come out looking like a king, making girls want to fuck you and guys want to fuck like you. Or you can come out looking like a total pussy. Have a small dick? Even worse. Jason Derulo and his massive Derul-dong get credit for being the pioneers of the male nude movement, but not everyone has controlled the narrative like Jason.

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So let’s rank the explicit content we’ve been blessed with the past few weeks, without any of the actual video links because ew, and also you’re going to have to work for it like I did. I’d suggest Reddit.

*Logan Paul: Honorable mention as this *came in* at just the last minute today. I think I found the video in question and people that are familiar with what Logan Paul looks like are saying it’s not him. I’m not ready to make an assessment on what this does to his reputation or what this says about his sex game if I can’t conclusively be told it’s him. Whoever it is in the video doesn’t seem like they are putting in much effort though, tbh.

4. A$AP Rocky: No one’s face is shown in A$AP Rocky’s alleged sex tape, but people have broken down the film in enough detail to match up his tattoos. The biggest downfall of having a bagillion tattoos and always performing without a shirt. If a Lil Wayne tape was ever released I feel like I’d know instantaneously, so I’m putting money on this actually being A$AP.

And the reaction to this tape has been overwhelmingly negative for A$AP Rocky. Just some basic, Caucasian sex. Everyone was so bored by it. Absolutely not the type of energy you expect out of someone who has likely fucked Rihanna. I’ll give him a little bit of a break because it’s got to be hard filming at that angle while trying to focus at the same time but if you claim to be a sex addict you gotta bring a little more tricks out of the bag.

This is the alleged female costar of the video. I’m all for a big ass but this one looks physically uncomfortable. How do you fly on an airplane with that thing? It was all I could think about during the video. And why is she still wearing a bra?

https://www.instagram.com/ms.sethii/

3. Steph Curry: The absolute last thing anyone expected seeing when Steph Curry was trending was dick picks. His wife Ayesha has always bragged about the nudes she’s sends and tried to act like their relationship is so hot, but I think most people just assumed it was a fake cool girl move. I cannot conclusively determine if the Steph Curry dick picks leaked are for sure Steph Curry but the general skin tone and scale match what I would expect from Steph.

I thought it was actually kind of cute. It made Steph Curry a little more endearing knowing he just had a regular ol normal sized dick. He has $100 million dollars, 3 championships, one of the best shots of all time, but a completely average penis.

The biggest winner in the Steph Curry leak though, far and away, is Klay Thompson. I’ve never felt more sure of anything than I am of Klay Thompson’s hammer. I don’t need to see it to know how massive that thing is. Klay probably blew up the Warriors group chat once these things came out. He’s got a lot of time too.

2. Dave Portnoy: I don’t know if I can be prosecuted for even discussing it, but Pres’s sex tape release was the one that opened the sex tape floodgates of December 2019. Some have said it’s revolutionized not only the sex tape game, but the sex game entirely. That stance, that power move protecting his lover’s face from being shown…it was as good a performance as the Patriots in the second half of Super Bowl 51. Even the Portnoy haters have to respect it.

I never once wondered what Dave Portnoy would look like having sex but now I wish we had the tape on fat Dave to compare it to rich Dave’s sex game. I think it would help improve a lot of people’s lives knowing that if you really put your nose to the grindstone, you too can give moderate enjoyment to Instagram thots every once in a while. And when you’ve put in enough work, one might even let you film it.

1. DaBaby: When I saw that DaBaby’s nudes were floating out there, I was expecting huge things. Like Jason Derulo’s anaconda with a little more pizzazz. You can’t rap and act like DaBaby with anything other than a huge 3rd leg. And DaBaby did not disappoint. It’s a thing of beauty. Couldn’t have happened at a better time for DaBaby’s career either. He’s just at the *tipping point* of being the most famous rapper on the planet. Everyone loves him. Things could have paused right at the top of the rollercoaster with even and underwhelming dick performance for DaBaby. Thank god that’s not the case.

I would pay approx. $19.99 for a DaBaby and Meg Thee Stallion sex tape–it would be such a technically sound performance with the talents and endowments of those two. I could see it winning a porn Oscar.

If you are going to give your computer a virus looking for one of these sex tapes or pics, let it be DaBaby’s.

There are still 8 days left in the month so a reminder that this list can be updated at any point. 

aliweitz

 

 

 

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