If You Bring This Carry-On Cocktail Kit On Your Flight You Deserve To Be Thrown 30,000ft

My mom has been hounding me about my Christmas list since Thanksgiving, so I decided I should start today, two weeks before Christmas because there is no time like the present, right? So I did what anyone else would do and typed in ‘gifts men’ in Google. Notice I said men and not boys. I finally started paying my cell phone bill, I have health insurance. I feel like I finally have to grow up and shed the Lost Boy image like I’m Peter Pan.

The first link for my search, 56 Gifts for the Most Stylish Man in Your Life. It spoke to me as I’m the most stylish man in my life. My style is a mix between washed up athlete chic and recycling the same pair of skinny Chino’s with a different sweater or henley on the weekends. This article though had everything a guy who finally came to face to face with reality would want.

Make your own Hot Sauce kit $35

hot sauce


Chess Class with Former World Chess Champion Garry Kasparov $15/month.



Pineapple Cufflinks $20 (already in my cart and purchased. Needed these immediately.)

pineapple cufflinks


Then I came to the Carry On Cocktail Kit for $23 and almost threw my computer out the window. If you need to make your own personalized cocktails on a flight than you are the biggest asshole in the world and should be ejected from said airplane. If you live, your life is the reward.

I need to meet the person who is staying up all night on Christmas Eve waiting in anticipation for their Carry On Cocktail Kit. Could you imagine packing for a flight? Clothes? Check. Passport? Check. Tampons (for the nosebleeds)? Carry On Cocktail Kit? Oh I almost forgot that. Nope. If you sat next to me and brought this out fit with muddler, bitters, raw cane sugar, and your own super special linen coaster. I’m upending your table and using your linen coaster as a jizz rag.

Imagine you’re ready for the drink cart to come around so you can get your Ginger Ale or Coffee because you’re hungover from the night before and Barry Bartender next to you lays his shit out like he’s about to give you a Masterclass like he’s Tom Cruise in Cocktail.

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They come in Bloody Mary, Old Fashioned, Gin & Tonic, Champagne Cocktail (whatever the fuck that means. Pretty sure mimosa is the only answer here and thats two ingredients), Margarita, Hot Toddy, and Moscow Mule. Also, where do you clean the tools you just used to make your douche drink? Do you have to use the recycled poop water the plane uses? I’m not trying to get dysentery either.

I’m happy enough to play the guessing game with the flight attendants on what alcohol and chasers they have. You want a whiskey ginger? Oh sorry sir we ran out of Ginger Ale on our flight from Houston to Philly. Fine I’ll pivot to Vodka Soda. Give me that Tomato Juice that comes in a room temperature metallic V8 can and some vodka and I’m the happiest guy in the world.

If I see someone pull this kit out on my flight to the Peach Bowl I’ll go off and have Airport security at my gate ready to walk me off the plane. Who am I kidding though I’m flying Spirit like some poor. I’ll be lucky if I make it to Atlanta with my life.

P.S. If you whip this out in 1st Class this doesn’t apply you and I actually expect this from someone in 1st class. Pretty sure 1st class is like international waters, no rules apply.

P.P.S. Obligatory Carry on Cocktail Rankings:

  1. Old Fashioned
  2. Moscow Mule
  3. Bloody
  4. Margarita
  5. Hot Toddy
  6. G&T
  7. Champagne Cocktail – don’t know how chicks pound Mimosas
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