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The #DelaBear Is Wreaking Havoc On The Townspeople of Wilmington

kylep1234

Pooh has been wreaking havoc all over the Delaware Valley for the last couple of weeks. The furry creature has traveled more than LeBron James on a December NBA night starting in Delco and taking his talents all the way up I-95 towards Wilmington by cab.

bear cab.jpg

I just can’t believe this guy has alluded cops and Ranger Rick for this long. I mean they had the chopper on the guy like it was a high speed chase. Isn’t this why forest preservers are a thing? They probably cum themselves thinking about shooting a bear during work. Most of the time they’re picking up trash or giving misdemeanors to kids for smoking weed in the forest. They get off on changing the ‘Forest Fire Probability’ sign from Low to High. This is closest thing they’ll ever get to the front lines. I can’t believe we didn’t get one shot of some Mountie looking guy chasing Teddy Ruxpin with a high powered rifle.

I always thought if I was in the presence of a bear I could defeat it. Not a Grizzly or anything, but like a cub or teenage bear? No doubt. Just boop it on the nose and it scrams. Supposedly they can climb trees, are fantastic swimmers, and can run up to 25mph. I don’t believe it. I don’t believe their are multiple bears posting Trent Williams type combine numbers. Can this bear bench 225 30 times to? No shot.

Plus, when I am face to face with fear I am light on my feet. But this might all change when I saw the agility the bear possesses. Did you see him launch his 300 lb frame up onto that fence? Nimble as Nadia Comaneci on the beam in the ’76 Olympics. That train that almost took out Yogi? I’m pretty sure he outran it. I’ve been sleeping on bears for 20+ years of my life!

P.S. This is journalism.

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