Adam Schefter Was Still Breaking News While Passing A Kidney Stone


On Saturday Adam Schefter had a bout 100X worse than child birth, passing a kidney stone. Being in a situation that requires me to pass a kidney stone is a top-5 fear in my life. I’m getting nauseous just thinking about it. Heights, Snakes/spiders, dying, having a girl & passing balled up calcium through my dickhole. But when you’re so ingrained in the Breaking News business you know the first rule and that is, ‘Breaking News doesn’t sleep’. That’s why he has two phones and probably only sleeps 4 hours a night. Just imagine the amount of cold sweats he wakes up over his career thinking he’s missed a report and Ian Rappoport or Chris Mortensen scooped it up. There’s no chance Schefter has had sex with Mrs. Schefter in 20 odd years. You can’t empty the tank on things so trivial. You have to be sharp, your balls have to be full, you have to live on the edge. He doesn’t need to cum because he cums every time he breaks news or has the opportunity to release a players unauthorized medical records to his followers.

During his time in the hospital he broke the news about Terrelle Pryor’s girlfriend re-enacting the Ides of March.

He’s got his nose to the ground getting his calcium rocks off about some XFL/NFL drama regarding a lifetime 3rd string QB. Throw Mort or Rappoport a fucking bone Schefty! Maybe let a protege coming up in the news breaking game release this on their Twitter account with 5k followers!

He’s recording podcasts just grunting through every third word.

Sorry Calais the doctor just stuck a scapple up my peehole to shift the asteroid in there around.”

…it hurt me physically to write that…

Punter waivers while the Blarney Stone is protruding from your foreskin? Take a fucking nap Adam.

Adam Schefter is a robot. That is the only answer for this level of maniacal behavior. He either tweeted or RT’d 50x while he was passing the asteroid that starred in Armageddon. I love how he was like ‘Bring it on Ohio St.! Nothing can be worse than passing a kidney stone for 5 straight days!’ and then boom OSU drops 56 on Michigan without breaking a sweat. Little Schefty always made the butt of the joke.

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