Monday Morning Gambler

Disclaimer: This is a satirical gambling version mixture of Peter King’s Monday Morning Quarterback and PFT Commenter’s Monday Morning Bowel Movement articles. It comes with no political correctness because this is America and in America it’s the land of the free and home of a lot of obese people dressing as animals on a Sunday. 

The Greed:

Tactical Gear

Last night the Houston Texans showed up to their stadium as Officers of the Ball. The Houston Linebackers planned on protecting and serving, but I’ve got a couple of questions.

How do they coordinate when to show up? Like do they all plan to get to the stadium two hours before gametime? I feel like that’s a little risky as Houston traffic can be a real bitch. What if someone gets a flat tire on the way to the game? Do they then go into the tunnel without him and then pieces are written about internal strife in the locker room between the linebackers? Does the late LB have a change of clothes if he is late? I feel like unless you’re Russell Westbrook, no one can pull off tactical SWAT gear by themselves. It could start to look more dominatrix and submissive and less being locked in for the game tonight.

There’s no way this outfit is comfortable. There’s nothing worse than wearing an uncomfortable outfit to your place of work. If I go out in a sweater that itches it automatically ruins my night. Tactical gear has to be on the ‘Uncomfortable’ part of the spectrum. And who carries luggage that can easily be rolled? Work smarter not harder stupid.

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When do they come up with the decision on what to dress like? Are Wednesdays costume meeting days? Everyone is required to bring 5 costume ideas to the film room or risk being fined. Who has final say on what they wear, the vets? Do higher drafted rookies get more acknowledgment then the later round guys? Do they pick the best ideas and put them in a hat to then choose? Last week they trotted out Mortal Kombat.

Is JJ Watt consulted before they choose the outfits? JJ has to be livid he can’t participate as JJ Swatt. For a guy who enjoys dressing up before big games it has to kill him he isn’t able to break out his best Letterman jacket.

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Petitionless Football

You might have seen the 9-2 Dolphins destroy the 5-6 Eagles yesterday. It sucks but the Dolphins continue on their great season and now move to 10-2 with control of the AFC East after the Patriots loss last night. Fans aren’t happy with the way the Eagles are playing and have now launched my favorite part of the year! Petition Szn!

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We’ve had some pretty classic petitions in the past. There was the “Ban Kendall Jenner from the Wells Fargo Center” after we lost to the Cavs last season. There was another for the Kansas Jayhawks to not wear those ugly Adidas jerseys in the NCAA Tournament years back. Or the one where politicians would have to wear the corporate logos they’re sponsored by like NASCAR Drivers, which is actually still a good idea.

I’ve got a better idea though then having them walk back to Philly like they’re some guy walking across country raising money for a mysterious disease that we never see the check donated for. Since they’re in Miami and there are a lot of Cruise ports, they should have to take a Cruise ship back to Philly. I’m not talking like Carnival Cruise or Disney either. Those are for rich people. I want them on one of the low-budget cruise liners. You think Brandon Brooks has anxiety now? Just imagine when the high seas get a little choppy and the captain has no idea what he’s doing. No one would be thrown overboard because Carson Wentz would probably miss his intended target. Doug Pederson’s just re-assuring the media, “This is a good cruise liner. They’re a good organization.” as everything is coming apart and shit is overflowing out of the toilets. Nothing worse than being stuck on a Cruise Ship for multiple days. Man I’ve never taken a loss to a 9-2 team this hard, but that’s what being an Eagles fan is all about. Live-hard. Die-harder.

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Best quotes from the weekend:

Typically, I just shoot and pray.

I shoot and pray at everything I do in life.

On the court, in the club, in my girl. Everything. 

-James Harden on his 60 point night Friday


I was really high.

Honestly, I didn’t think I’d be playing again so soon.

So I just got really, really, baked.

-Gardner Minshew on going in for Nick Foles


There will be a couple more dead hookers in Alabama this weekend.

-Nick Saban on his loss to Auburn

Tout Tweets of the Week:

Vegas Dave is a national treasure! The absurdity, the 22 parlays that probably came with -5,000 juice, and the purses that I think are his? All 5’3 of him is electric!

Just a beautiful mixture of South Jersey and Northeast Philly dialect in this one! Music to my ears! Can’t help but giggle.

Can’t figure out the dog catcher, but I know that jacket reeks of cigarettes and Cubans.

10 Things I Bet I Bet

  1. I have never seen one Star Wars movie, but Baby Yoda is the cutest thing I’ve ever laid eyes on and now I’m contemplating watching Mandalorian.

3. No chance I would be showing up for Thanksgiving 2020 if this was my brother. I have to hear it from the crazies in my cube, Twitter, and everyone else for 364 days a year. Let’s leave the crazy out of it for one day.

4. I mean this is just an absolute absurd fashion choice for a football game. Are we going to the club or the Iron Bowl?

4a. The hedges ate multiple that day..

4b. The SEC has a big ‘ol dump in their pants.

5. I know we ball-wash Lamar Jackson at all ends of the spectrum, and the league will probably figure him out within two years just like it happened with Sean McVay and the Rams offense, but the highlights are still unreal. In the rain, cutting on a dime against the best athletes in the world is something.  Lamar’s now the owner of a new set of ankles.

5a. Not going to make this about Carson Wentz and pile on, but no chance he makes this throw in his current state, in the rain.

6. I’ve had Thanksgiving leftovers for last 6 days and I think I’m getting diabetes from the amount of gravy and butter I’ve ingested.

7. Hello Hell – it’s Kyle. I’m ready.

8. We don’t always do a ton of things right in America, but I think we knocked this one out of the park. In London, convicted murderers are allowed to just walk around with the commoners on some days. I’ve never been well versed in British prison laws, but this one might be a character flaw they want to re-visit.

“What do you want to do today James?”

“Tour Big Ben, maybe grab a Coke, murder.”

9. Regular season James Harden showed up on Friday with a 60 point game that he only needed 3 quarters for. Jokes aside it was one of the most efficient games ever.

10. Boomer: Black Friday / Sooner: Cyber Monday

Buy a shirt!

10a. I forgot #2…

The Gamble Ramble

The Eagles drowned.

All I want for Christmas is,

NBA Finals.

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