Last night was a big night for me. For the first time ever we hosted Friendsgiving for 28 people. 28! That’s like an entire platoon of people.
Look at this shit.
It was big because the critics were buzzing. Partygoers were asking if I could live up to the hype because I had the most important job of all – cooking the turkey. Now listen I think Turkey is the most overrated piece of holiday meat there is. I’m white trash. I like ham. But every man will tell you. You are a boy, until you cook a Thanksgiving turkey to perfection. And perfection I did. Look at this masterpiece!
That is the most absolute perfect color of golden brown you’ve ever seen in your life! I felt like I was having my own Thanksgiving Mitzvah where I became a man. Instead of reading the Torah and spitting all over people in my Hebrew gibberish, I instead read a bunch of directions and basted the fuck out of this bird. My girlfriend yelled at me because I couldn’t stop calling myself a Bastey Boy and referring to the turkey as Patrick because he was glistening like Patrick Ewing at the foul line trying to ice Game 7 of the NBA Finals.
This goes without saying, but Friendsgiving is 100x better than Thanksgiving. I actually chose these people to be in my life and enjoy talking to them for more than 15 minutes. And while this Friendsgiving will be talked about for years to come (the turkey is still getting compliments almost 24 hours after) it had it’s imperfections, which makes it even better when you look back on it. Friendsgiving guests are like wrangling a bunch of drunk toddlers. First you have to rely on everyone to show up at the time requested so that people don’t get angry while waiting to eat. Dinner was at 7:30, we didn’t eat until 8:30 due to this exact situation. I might excommunicate those people from my life, haven’t decided yet. Why do girls always get there first? Like absurdly first. Call time was at 7, and the first girl got there at 4:30. 4 fucking 30! Do you have a job, life, responsibilities? I didn’t see the first X chromosome until close to 6:15. The one good thing is once the girl friends show up they have a treasure trove of shit talking to do. You get one glass of wine in them and their off. They single in on one girl like it’s a drone attacking an Iranian compound. It provided the necessary comedy I needed while continuing to keep an eye on Patrick.
There’s also always that one guest who barely made the cut on the invite list. Typically they’re a girlfriend or boyfriend of one of the originally invited guests and you have to scribble their name on a place card like you were expecting he/she the whole time. Well this guest thought it would be proper to invite another person. He thought he got a +1 when he was the +1! Wtf is that move? Bro, you were barely invited yourself, you don’t get to bring a friend like it’s Dinner With Schmucks. The uninvited guy brought his dish wrapped in a bath towel. Like the towel he uses to clean himself after showering. Could the guest you bring at least be normal? You couldn’t make this shit up. Oh and he left the bath towel, so thanks? I guess.
But really I just wrote this blog to brag about my turkey cooking process. That was my first time cooking a turkey. You know how hard it is to have it look like that? It’s like having sex for the first time and you find out you’re Lex Steele or Johnny Sins and you’re a Hall of Famer of slinging dick. I also used an electric knife for the first time to cut the turkey and I’ll tell you what no normal knife will ever do the trick for me again. I’m using an electric knife for everything. Butter? Electric knife. Top 5 invention of all time.