I was scrolling through Twitter which is commonplace for a Sunday and I guess there is a music awards show tonight. The American Music Awards Show? Do we tell all the singers from other countries to fuck off in this one? If not, isn’t the Grammys or Billboards the American Awards Show? I don’t know. But during my Sunday scroll I see Billie Eilish looking like my Aunt’s best picnic table cover to go with the chain mail she’s wearing like she’s about to go to a Knight’s of the Roundtable meeting.
As I get older I don’t have to pretend like I understand all the new trends like Tik Tok. What I do know is Billie Eilish keeps the kids coming back for more. Bad Guy is a tune even though she slurs through 85% of it like it’s my uncle after a couple of egg nogs at the family Christmas Eve party convincing his wife to let him drive her and the kids home. I also know she fucking terrifies me. Look at this chick.
She’ll cut you and leave you to die. Once you’re dead she’ll harvest your organs and make them into a stew. She is every parent’s nightmare. She’s wearing the same collar that every bad neighborhood dog wore growing up. Her right eye is trying to escape to the back of her head like she’s the Undertaker.
There’s honestly no difference here:
Billie Eilish is a wacko and if I saw her in a dark alley I would turn around and go the other way. Anyone who willingly lets a tarantula crawl around in your mouth for a music video is no friend of mine.