Monday Morning Gambler Week 10

Disclaimer: This is a satirical gambling version mixture of Peter King’s Monday Morning Quarterback and PFT Commenter’s Monday Morning Bowel Movement articles. It comes with no political correctness because this is America and in America it’s the land of the free and home of a lot of obese people dressing as animals on a Sunday. 

The Greed:

They’re One Ladel Short At The Soup Kitchen

For some reason I bet on the Browns and Freddie Kitchens on Sunday. At one point on Sunday the Browns had a chance to pound the ball in eight times from the three yard line, but managed nothing. By the end of the game I found myself rooting for a Push which is some of the saddest gambling you can do on a Sunday. Freddie Kitchens is your friend on a diet for five days and hasn’t seen any results so they just went back to their old ways. Rolling out Baker on the run doesn’t work one time and now he’s running a pitch to Nick Chubb at the 2 yard line on 4th down. Put the ball in the hands of your #1 pick and let him win the game.

Dak Is Going To Be A Meringue Legend In The Barrio

Tio and Tia better watch their back before Dak Prescott makes his way to San Antonio to cha cha his way to first place in the Dia De Los Muertos San Antonio Community Hall Meringue competition. I was talking with my guy Jose from behind the counter of Papi Alli Deli, the one that lets the cat sleep on the bread. He was giving me 10-1 odds on Dak winning any dance competition which I gobbled up right away. As long as the competition isn’t on a Saturday in January and elimination style Dak should have a chance.

The Reward Section:

Fuck Teaser: Saints & Rams – I knew one of these teams were going to bone me. I was watching Sunday Countdown and they were talking about how talented the Falcons were even though their record didn’t show. I brushed it off because Dan Quinn had his defensive coach, coaching the wide receivers before this week until he moved him back over to coach the DBs. You just don’t bet on a guy who makes those kind of moves in general and waits until Week 11 to react. Well, the Falcons defense came alive like they’re the ’85 Bears. I know for a fact someone reading this definitely had these two in a parlay.

DeadZone: Bills @ Browns – I’d rather have Freddie Kitchens sit on my face after a 3 mile run in the desert then be subject to watch anymore of this game. I felt every 30 seconds Scott Hanson was going back to it because one team was in the RedZone or Freddie Kitchens called a pitch on 3rd down from the 2 yard line.

Tout Tweets Of The Week

I think marc the dog catcher is my favorite tout ever. “NBA 0-3!” Poetic.

10 Things I Bet I Bet

1. I bet Drake will think twice before appearing at anymore concerts where the audience is in their 30s and still complain about their parents

2. I bet Swagger Jr. has more career yards then Johnny Manziel

3. I bet if you combined both Joey Bosa and Nick Bosa they’d become the Dosa’s

4. I bet there are some guys in between there full rack of ribs in Kansas City questioning whether Pat Mahomes is the right man for the job.

5. I bet George Kittle will either have a Skittle endorsement or Kettle bell endorsement by Week 16. If not he should fire his agent.

6. I bet Lamar Jackson is the first blind guy to win MVPlamar sunglasses.jpg

7. I bet you if the money was right Dana White would have children fighting in the UFC by 2025

8. I bet aliens come down to enslave us by 2050, but the only person who can help vanquish them are the love child of a Manning and Matthews. Dumb faces to scare off the intruders, but also flowing locks like the Niagra Falls to distract them.

9. I bet the Chargers practicing at Air Force’s complex to prepare more the Mexico City elevation next week is a direct effect of Phil Rivers producing his 10th child.

10. I bet this is all how we thought Don Cherry would go one day

The Gamble Ramble

Lamar is a cheat

Pat Mahomes off of his feet

My team can’t catch shit.

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