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Monday Morning Gambler Week 9

kylep1234

Disclaimer: This is a satirical gambling version mixture of Peter King’s Monday Morning Quarterback and PFT Commenter’s Monday Morning Bowel Movement articles. It comes with no political correctness because this is America and in America it’s the land of the free and home of a lot of obese people dressing as animals on a Sunday. 

The Greed: Sex Addictions

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Don’t ever bet on Mitch Trubisky and Matt Nagy as a combo. There as good of a combo as a Charles Manson disciple and courtroom etiquette. Since the line opened it flip flopped from opening at -3.5, to 5.5, and closed in the 4.5 to 5 range. At one point the total offense looked like this.

1 yd is half a Mitch Trubisky. Mitch could fart and fall forward and outgain the Bears in the first half.

Which brings me to my point. Is Mitch Trubisky’s sex addiction the reason for his decline in his third NFL season? Yes kissing titties is a small sample size to judge off of. But this was first said around Christmas of 2011. Kissing titties is a gateway drug for more. It starts with kissing titties then escalates to hand stuff, hand stuff becomes butt stuff, and then before you know it you’re having orgies like Martin Luther King on an off night from protest.

There’s nothing for Mitch to be ashamed of. Sex addiction has taken down athletes way more superior than him – Tiger Woods, Terry Crews, Wade Boggs. Guys that have been at the upper echelon of their craft. They kissed more titties than Bears offside penalties yesterday.

So until Mitch Trubisky recognizes he is a sex addict and decides to get help, that offense is still going to be anemic. So bet the mortgage against Mitch and his Pimp Matt Nagy.


This Is The End Of Tom Brady

One of my favorite people at work retired on Friday. Shout out to my main man Tom Brady! A corporate raider for 45 years. Enjoy retirement buddy!


Lamar Jackson Is A Safety Hazard For The NFL

Lamar Jackson is fast. Lamar Jackson is so fast I think the Kansas City Police Department needs to put him on their roster solely so he can catch up to Tyreek Hill next time he breaks the law. The NFL needs to immediately investigate the safety hazard Lamar poses and force the Baltimore Ravens to use a slow white QB which historically is in their nature. Move Jackson to Wide Receiver where he would thrive running go routes 20x a game. Keeping him under center will only be a detriment to the league’s mandated player safety initiative. Lamar continues to snatch ankles and ACLs. Defenders run into each other headfirst once Lamar sneaks by, causing concussions. Haven’t enough Baltimore Ravens put people’s lives in danger in the past? Where is the justice from the NFL to finally implement the safety rules they mandated in the past.


The Reward Section:

Fuck Teaser: Aaron Rodgers and Matt LaFleur: Aaron Rodgers had 161 yards passing and Matt LaFleur only ran the ball 11 times against a defense who has half their squad on IR. Which fucked everyone’s teaser. It was the first time all season Phil Rivers wasn’t clawing his way back trying to drive down the field for the game winning score at 7:30pm EST.

What Do You Know Vegas? Steelers -1: Even before Jacoby Brissett went down this was too good to be true. The Colts who defeated teams like the Chiefs and Texans earlier in the year were getting 1 point against the Steelers who were down at half to the Dolphins last week on Monday Night Football. Vegas knew something was up and the Steelers ended winning outright. Which tells me that the offensive lineman who rolled into Brissett’s knee has his whole family being held hostage by a Vegas mob.

DeadZone – Bills/Redskins: No chance this game was shown more then once on the RedZone Channel. If it was, Scott Hanson deserves to have his size 7 boot, cleaned, turned sideways and stuck up his candy ass. Why is there not a gambling RedZone type of channel? That sounds like the easiest win ever.


Tout Tweets of the Week:


10 Things I Bet I Bet

  1. I bet the Browns would have a better record if they had the passion of Jermaine Whitehead, who threatened to kill Browns fans on Twitter after the game and a radio guy.

a. Why did Baker Mayfield shave three times yesterday? Shaving sucks. And to do it 3x in a matter of 5 hours seems inefficient. Maybe he should spend some more time shaving lb’s so he can escape the pocket from DEs and Norman, Oklahoma cops.

baker2

baker3

2. I bet I’m not going to vote on Election Day tomorrow. You probably didn’t know Election Day is tomorrow. I think in Philly it involves the Mayor and some congressmen. How’s a Mayor effecting my life? I’m not voting for the Mayor. The only Mayor I recognize in my life is Jesus. The Mayor of the Most High. And my bookie, he’s like my Mayor. If I don’t pay him he’ll shut off my electric (break my legs).

3. I bet Kings will always stay Kings

4. I bet Matt Nagy switches to Excel for now on. Is there anything worse than having to sit through a Powerpoint presentation during the week at work? No one wants to see Matt’s slide transitions using Fade Out or Dissolve. You gotta get into the meat of the data and start cranking out some Pivot Tables. Mitch, you suck on 1st, 2nd, and 3rd down. Here’s data that tells us to run our 5’5 175 lb RB into the teeth of the defense on 4th & 1.

5. I bet I’m praying for my good friend Stingray! Gout is a bitch. I’ve never experienced it because I practice physical fitness and a healthy diet of eating good during the week and totally ruining that good will during the weekend. But when my good buddy Stinger needs a prayer I’m saying a Rosary. #StingerStrong

6. I bet Nationals fans are the dumbest people to ever live in a swamp. Congrats Florida.

7. Speaking of Florida, I bet Dan Mullen loves cuck porn

8. I bet my seasonal depression kicks in finally today. It’s 40 degrees. It was dark by 5:15pm yesterday. This is the worst time of the year and if you’re someone who likes Winter over Summer go ahead and off yourself.

9. I bet, or would at least hope they would give ousted McDonald’s CEOs, a Happy Meal toy once they are fired to ease the burn. Also, being fired for having a consensual relationship with an employee is being frowned upon. Just because you put your secret sauce in something other than a Big Mac shouldn’t get you fired nowadays!

10. I bet (I hope) you enjoyed this. Please see the Gamble Ramble Haiku below to send us out.


The Gamble Ramble

I lost my money

The ramen at my grocer

Is Picante beef

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