I May Adopt The Climate Change Chick…

Joey Boats

Disclaimer: I’m ruthlessly honest so I’ll be the first to say this blog sucks. I’m getting back on the blogwagon so consider this a “pitch count” sort of game. Have to get my toes wet somehow…

Before I really get into it, I wrote a blog a few months back expressing my disdain for the current sociopolitical climate. Regardless of what side of the aisle you elect to align yourself with, I think we can all agree that at least 40% of the population has completely lost its mind. You literally can’t even sneeze during an election year without someone accusing you of being racist, a snowflake, or somehow both. It’s why I decided to abstain from following politics altogether… until today.

Long story short, this Greta Thunberg girl whose been dominating the news cycle over the last couple weeks is fucking electric and I can’t ignore her any longer. Moxie like you read about. Just rolled into a packed house at the UN Climate Action Summit a couple weeks ago—which I assume is just a Mumford and Sons concert with extra pamphlets—and started flaming EVERYONE, talking about how they “stole her dreams” and destroyed her will to live and shit. Just carpet bombed the entire venue.

If you’re unfamiliar with what I’m talking about, I’ll embed the link below but, in the interest of time, all you really need to know is that a bunch of fat White dudes on some international board of environmental conservation evidently suck at recycling and Thunberg’s having NONE of it. 

It’s performances like this that earn you a roster spot on Team Romano. I don’t hand out contracts often but if this chick wants laundry, I’ll have a contract penned and a locker cleaned out by lunch time. When it comes to people I choose to hitch my wagon to, intensity is paramount and Greta has it in spades; the only issue is that, all irony and sarcasm aside, she kind of fucking sucks…

I told myself I would start shooting from the hip and telling it like it is more so yeah, I’ll say it again: this Greta Thunberg chick sucks and will inevitably end up as yet another pledge pompously accepted into the fraternity of social activists who think retweeting a photo featuring some unemployed seal covered in BP Oil is somehow constructive engagement.

And by the way, it’s already started. The left-wing media has already propped this girl up as the foremost beacon of environmental hope. People thrusting her up there with Martin Luther King/Gandhi/Paul Walker and shit, claiming she’s an inspiration simply because she flamboyantly articulated that our ozone layer’s a shit show to a flock of hacks on CSPAN.

That said, there’s hope. I truly believe all Greta needs is a sense of direction, and who better to deliver that direction than a guy who’s never accomplished anything, owns four pairs of cargo shorts, and eats bologna?

I think with her passion and my connections—Outback Steakhouse used to follow me on Twitter—we could really do some good, which is why I’m openly open to adopting her.

After we sign the papers, we’ll go on tour. I’m pretty confident hot air balloons are environmentally friendly (could be wrong) so we’ll tour the countrysides, dropping decomposable pamphlets and scolding White males. We’ll point fingers at those who litter and fire potato guns off at those who’ve yet to see Al Gore’s An Inconvenient Truth.

Just the two of us, building biodegradable castles in the sky. Just the two of us…

– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)

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