This is going to be Brandeds weekly power ranking and I want to be as clear as anyone can possibly be, I don’t care if you agree or don’t agree. I am going to be as unbiased as I can but please believe me when I say I don’t give a fuck what you think of this list. I’ll do a write up for a few teams and it’ll vary week to week.
I have found that some people don’t understand how these work each week and i want to clarify. I make all of this up at 1 in the morning Monday and it is all correct because I have a tested genius level IQ. Hope that clears some stuff up.
This week was tough because a bunch of bad teams beat decent teams, I don’t want you to worry though I figured it out.
30. Bengals- It is unbelievable that Andy Dalton is still a starting QB on a real NFL team.
29. Redskins- Honestly might be the worst team in the entire league.
26. Falcons- You guys don’t understand how bad I feel that the Patriots murdered this franchise in the Super Bowl. I really feel bad.
24. Giants- If I was a Giants fan I would be cautiously optimistic about Daniel Jones. He dresses like a teacher who just graduated and is subbing in the city for the first time but he is already better than Eli.
23. Steelers- Some people are going to overreact about the game Monday but don’t worry the Steelers are still bad, just not AS bad as the Bengals.
22. Vikings- Kirk Cousins is making a guaranteed 30 million next year… hahahahahahahhahahyourteamfuckingsucksbtwahahahahahahahhaha
21. Panthers- Very good win vs a good team and I really want to move them up more but unfortunately for the Panthers a few other bad teams also beat good teams and we are starting to get to the point in the season where this is less about your game this week and more about the overall season, tough break.
20. Raiders- Very similar to the Panthers.
19. Browns- ^ Same.
18. Bills- Bills have an awful offense, Josh Allen is bad and also needs to slide so a 5’8″ CB doesn’t give him brain damage. Your coach is below average on a good day and him complaining about the hit on Allen is actually bad for football. With all of that being said your defense is much better than I thought it was and the Bills deserve to be higher on this list but my friend told me after week 1 that 18 was way to low for them so now they are here forever.
17. Chargers- Don’t let the score fool you, yes they won by 20 points but the box score almost exclusively lies. I have never been more right then when I said this team was the fakest good team I have ever seen. This team will be lucky to win 10 games.
16. Jaguars- Yes they won and yes Minshew has an amazing stache but the beat the doshit Broncos by 2 and when that happens you drop 2 spots.
14. Seahawks- Why do I feel like they’ve played the Cardinals 5 times this season?
11. Colts- Come on Jacoby.
10. Rams- You let the Bucs put up a 50 piece. A college team put 55 on your head.
9. Bears- Good win over a bad team. Would move up if it wasn’t for the Titans and the Eagles.
8. Titans- As much as the Chargers are the fakest good team in the league the Titans are THE most confusing team. I don’t know if they’re good or not.
7. Ravens- Ravens being 2-2 is really disappointing with how they started the season. It is wild to me that the AFC North is the worst division in football and the AFC East has the 2 worst teams in it.
6. Packers- Clearly I jinxed them last week when I said they had a defense.
5. Cowboys- The first of the Top 3 has fallen.
4. Eagles- You’re welcome Philly. I tore into you delco idiots last week and clearly inspired the boys. You just won the NFC East and it is all because of me.
3. Saints- Teddy “Huge Dick” Bridgewater might carry this team to greatness (on his massive hog).
2. Patriots- I want to make some things very clear. I am a Patriots fan, I am not doing this for a hot take, I still think the Pats are better than the Chiefs but they have to be punished for their performance. That was the worst Brady has played in 5 years, also Patriot fans are some of the most annoying people ever holy fuck.
1. Chiefs- I wouldn’t get to comfortable here but no one will say I’m biased. The Chiefs are objectively good, I think the Lions are mediocre and for awhile there it looked like they were gonna steal that game but good teams know how to win and the Chiefs are good.