Got An Unhappy WR? Just Hand Him Over To The Patriots For A 6th Rounder Or Something.


Following up on my earlier offseason piece,

It’s July And We’ve Reached The “Patriots Are Paper Thin At WR” Portion Of The Cycle

Time is a flat circle. Despite winning their first three games scoring 33, 43, and 30 points respectively, there is a silent odor permeating all 6 New England states that the Patriots still do not have any wide receivers.

And despite not even making it to those 2 early season losses like we usually have, the 4-0 Patriots are under local and national scrutiny. At least that’s what Tom Brady probably wants you to think.

They sign all all pro superstar wide receiver, and they’re comparing Bill Belichick to Hitler. They cut him and they “don’t deserve any credit” for doing it. I swear to God if the Patriots don’t win 75-0 every single game people around here start making their 7 year olds write notes to Stephen Gostkowski expressing their disappointment at his XP percentage. Which is probably the only legitimate concern for the Patriots this season.

Patriots fans look down the list at Julian Edelman, Josh Gordon, Philip Dorsett, James White, Sony Michel and Tom Brady and think, we’re fucked. How can you possibly expect to beat the Chargers 41-13 in the Divisional Round with that roster? The Browns in Week 8? Will they only win by 6 points that game too?

The next part in the Patriots fan handbook is to look around the NFL and see which hall of fame players other teams should just give away for a 5th round draft pick in 2022. The biggest winners in this era are the Patriots, just what they needed. Players openly complaining about how much they want to be traded or subtweeting their teammates is like that GIF of the guy putting something in the pot waiting for it to explode for Twitter. If a player comes out and say, criticizes a quarterback you are paying $84 million dollars to drive your franchise to the ground, there’s no chance they want to leave the Vikings–I mean–the team to go play for an even worse team? Most teams in the NFL are awful. They should all want to just come to New England and their team should pretty much just give them to us for a Dunkin side of hash browns. At least that’s what the handbook says.

Adam Thielen? Stefon Diggs? AJ Green? Throw in the Belichick walking by those kids GIF. Sign them all. That’s what’s gotten you to 9 Super bowls in 20 years. Panicking in week 4 and signing big name receivers. The Patriot Way.

I get it, it’s fun to think about. It can’t be that cool as a 12 year old to have to hang fatheads of Rex Burkhead on your wall. Losing Gronk really hurts for those kids. Those big name receivers belong on teams who care about stats, contracts and extra points. I’m riding with Phillip Dorsett.

Anyways, it’s all worth it when you realize this is what’s happening instead:


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