Intro To An Idiot – Kyle

kylep1234

Hi.

My name is Kyle.

Supposedly Joe needed some diversity so he hired a white guy. Can’t find any of those anymore. But since it’s 2019 I can identify any way I want so I’ll make sure to update Joe for his diversity reports after I fill out my 2020 Census form.

How did I get here? Joe found me at a Convention in downtown Philly. I was a Dickies Overall model, down on my luck. They promised me the lifestyle of a young Marky Mark and instead I lived the lifestyle of my Uncle Mark, a farmer from Boyertown. Joe saw me and told me I have this look about me – it was probably the gallon of tanning oil they made me put on for an event that was featured indoors – but I listened. He said he ran a sports blog, but what he didn’t know is that I originally got into the modeling business to one day become a semi-professional sports blogger.

Picture below from my modeling days before Joe saved my life. Look how sad I was.

90s-guys-mark-paul-gosselaar

Believe it or not, that’s not me above. That’s Mark Paul Gosselear from the ’90s critically acclaimed teen comedy series ‘Saved By The Bell’. Believe it or not, that story I told about how I met Joe wasn’t true either.

Nope, forreal though, I’m actually Joe’s dentist’s son. My dad says he’s got a great set of molars, but I think that violates HIPPA laws so delete that comment from your brain.

Furthermore, I’m going to be doing what this site has been missing. A white guy yelling at you through a screen….but I’ll be yelling at you about sports gambling.

“What gives you the credentials?” I shot 100% from the field in college basketball. Don’t believe me do ya? Exhibit A:

Screen Shot 2019-09-20 at 6.30.39 PM.png

Can you say D3 legend? *Please disregard the writeup and minutes played. I was really really good. My GPA was 1.6 the first semester freshman year and my coached benched me because, “supposedly no one goes to the NBA from a D3 college in Chestertown, MD and you need to focus on school.” Bullshit if you ask me.

In my real life I’m a biologist. Joe told me most of the staff was from Delco so I jumped at the opportunity to study a species not from this planet. It’s so cute the way they speak like they have marbles and a trash compactor in their mouth.

But really – I’m going to do my best to not yell at you. I’m going to do my best for you to stomach my content. I’m going to win you no money, but we are going to enjoy ourselves while we both lose.

Here’s a free one for ya to get started:

Bears -4.5. Tell your wife you’re going to need to take out a 2nd mortgage on the duplex. I just paid for little Timmy’s college with that investment advice.

Follow me on Twitter @BrandedKyle <- That link might take you to a NSFW page. Or it might not. I enjoy choose your own adventure games, too.

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