This is going to be Brandeds weekly power ranking and I want to be as clear as anyone can possibly be, I don’t care if you agree or don’t agree. I am going to be as unbiased as I can but please believe me when I say I don’t give a fuck what you think of this list. I’ll do a write up for a few teams and it’ll vary week to week.
What a fucking week of football. First RIP in peace to Trevor Siemians ankle/foot region. Absolute jelly, no shot he plays again this year (he stinks so maybe ever).
Next to the teams name I am going to put last weeks ranking in parenthesis, can’t decide between doing that or putting +- next to them. I don’t know we’ll see.
32. Dolphins (32)- I think I saw a stat that said this is one of the worst point differential starts for a team in the history of the NFL and they just traded Minkah Fitzgerald. This team might not beat my high school football team and I didn’t even have a high school football team. They stink.
31. Jets (24)- They are down to their 3rd string QB who was on the practice squad yesterday. They just got beat by a Browns team that I’m not sure is good anymore. I think this will be the biggest jump in either direction this week but I’ll take the under of Bell requesting a trade by week 8.
30. Giants (31)
29. Bengals (25)- No even remotely competent team gives up 41 to the niners.
28. Panthers (26)- They looked bad. Like really really bad. I think they are better than this but Cam is either very hurt or needs to be backing me up, no shot he should’ve been playing in that game. Also, your coach is an idiot. YOU DON’T RUN THE MOST OBVIOUS FAKE PHILLY SPECIAL OF ALL TIME WHEN CAM NEWTON IS YOUR QB DUMBASS
27. Broncos (22)
26. Cardinals (28)- Kyler Murray looks like a small child when he plays football but I think he is good. I think his coach is a moron but this is a bad team that might be okay in a couple years.
25. Buccaneers (29)- I think beating the Panthers is a fake win but they played as well as they could’ve and technically are in first place in the NFC South.
24. Redskins (17)- 0-2 to start the year vs two divisional opponents. Yikes.
23. Falcons (30)- Admittedly I was too hard on them last week. I still don’t think they’re good but they beat a good Eagles team, injuries aside the Eagles can’t lose that game.
22. Browns (21)- Browns won by 20 but don’t let the score fool you, this was a close game far longer than it should’ve been. As someone who thought this team could win their division I’m mad at how bad they look and more specifically Baker. One play he will put the ball on a strong for an OBJ one hander and the next he misses a wide open receiver and throws a pick. Myles Garrett needs to chill with the penalties too.
21. Lions (27)- Huge win over the Chargers. That is the entire description.
20. Raiders (16)
19. Vikings (15)
18. Bills (18)- I was told last week I had the Bills ranked too high and they go out and beat another shitty NY team so they get 18 again because I’m stubborn (and they probably belong here).
17. Jaguars (20)- Thought they would be mid 20s after this week with no Foles but
Joey Boats Gardner Minshew played pretty well against a Texans team I’m high on. For sure keeping an eye on him and the Jags.
16. Steelers (13)- Team sucks. Big Ben is out for the season and should really retire. No AB, no Bell, no Ben and Juju might as well be on the back of a milk carton. Time to blow it up.
15. Seahawks (14)
14. 49ers (19)- Having them this high might be a reach. Them and the Seahawks are both 2-0 and they both beat the Bengals but 49ers didn’t do it by 1. I think these two are both close but for now it is Niners all day
13. Colts (23)- I lied earlier this is for sure the biggest jump of the week. Maybe I was wrong man this team is pretty good. Lost in OT last week to the Chargers and beat a strong Titans team this week.
12. Chargers (10)- Don’t need Gordon but might be bad.
11. Bears (12)
10. Texans (7)- Please stop letting Deshaun get murdered on every play.
9. Saints (6)- Lost Brees for 6-8 weeks and got blown the fuck out but lets complain about missed calls in the playoffs even though your now injured QB throws picks in overtime. Bums.
7. Eagles (4)- I can’t wait for all you Philly losers to cry all week about the injuries. How about tell your WR to catch the ball with the game on the line.
6. Ravens (8)- AFC North is theirs to lose. Browns aren’t as good as I thought, I knew the Steelers were bad but without Big Ben there is no shot they make a run at the division and Lamar isn’t a running back.
5. Packers (11)- I don’t think Rodgers looks good. I do think they are better than most of the league but I don’t know if that is saying a whole lot.
4. Rams (9)- They beat up on the Saints. I mean they bullied them. Sean McVay didn’t look like he knew how to call a play in week 1 but with or without Brees the Saints aren’t complete dog shit. Good win for the Rams.
3. Cowboys (3)- They keep beating up on awful teams but that is what you need to do in the NFL so I won’t punish them for that. They play Miami next week so I would expect to get used to the top 3 Dallas.
2. Chiefs (2)- Shouldn’t be a shock. Someone said Mahomes is going to be the first ever active HOF player and that guys an idiot. First that isn’t how it works, second we’re in week 2 of his second season playing. We’ve seen this before is all I’m getting at.
1. Patriots (1)- Kings stay kings. I can’t imagine a rational human being getting angry at this, Feits from Barstool said it best, Tom Brady might be the weak link on this team and that isn’t a slight to Tom this team is just that good. I know it was just the Dolphins but they have at worst a top 3 defense and the best receiving core in the game with or without AB.
Unless something drastic happens I would get used to this top 3. I do think the distance between the Chiefs and the Cowboys is absolutely massive and that isn’t a slight to the Cowboys. Patriots and Chiefs are by far the two best teams in football but I would like to see them play an actual team, Chiefs have the Ravens next week so that should be a good test but the Pats play D3 college teams until week 9. Like who makes the fucking schedule Jesus Christ.