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Official Statement From A Patriots Fan Who Absolutely Did Not Want Antonio Brown On The Patriots

BadGalAli

It’s a tough predicament to be in. This is like hearing your best friend is dating a really hot tall guy who has a serious coke problem and undetected HPV. She deserves better but like, he’s really hot. You’d think I’d be more prepared. After all, I’ve been doing this for over a year with LeBron.

I stand by everything I said in those tweets. Do I think Bill Belichick and the Patriots should bring a legitimate psychopath onto this team where he might spill every secret and drag every skeleton out of the closet? Not a fucking chance. I’ve never liked AB, as a Steeler and after. His hair and facial hair decisions tell me everything I need to know about Antonio Brown and I do not like it. I’m used to winning rooting for guys like Matt Slater, Rex Burkhead and James Develin.

But it doesn’t matter what I think. I don’t even have enough faith in my own opinion at this point. If Bill Belichick, Tom Brady and Robert Kraft think we should, I’m all in. I have to be–it’s my religion. I don’t have the right to question what Bill Belichick thinks is best. Not anymore.

I’ll also admit that it spices things up a little bit. The regular season is not something that’s typically super enjoyable for Patriots fans. When you go in with the expectation of winning a Super Bowl every year, and the large percent of the time you actually do, it’s hard to get juiced up for a week 5 game against the Titans. We basically hold our breath for 16 weeks that no one tears an ACL or has a traumatic brain injury (or is that just me?) Thrown in an Oscar worthy actor with the dramatic skills of Bachelor producers? Sign me the fuck up.

Stepping out onto the field for a real NFL game on a quest for their 7th Super Bowl with Tom Brady, Julian Edelman, Antonio Brown, Demaryius Thomas, Josh Gordon, at some point N’Keal Harry, plus James White, Sony Michel…they could probably do it with just Rex Burkhead and Philip Dorsett but this is a whole lot more fun. They don’t even need a tight end. They went from being one of the most tight end heavy teams of all time to barely having one on the roster. There’s no way Gronk can hear that list of names and not immediately drive to the gym. It gives me the chills–and that’s just on offense. Defensively this team is stacked. I might be looking forward to the Chase Winovich highlights more than the offense. JK I love offense.

Knowing how mad this is making every other fan of every other team makes it just a little sweeter too. I love the Patriots are cheaters tweets at this point. You think I care if SamDarnoldsArmpit69 tweets a list of spygate, deflategate, Aaron Hernandez and now this? Philly fans still think 41-33 mentions hurt. Bro, I’m halfway over the Tyree catch. Practically untouchable.

As a generally anxious and negative person though, I also can’t help but just get a little nervous people are booking tickets to Miami with 19-0 on the brain. I can’t help it, it’s just my personality. I think I just get flashbacks of that photo of Kobe, Dwight Howard, Pau Gasol, Steve Nash & Ron Artest. If the Patriots don’t win this year I will be absolutely heartbroken. Please feel very bad for me.

Bill Belichick dragging AB to the Super Bowl on InstaFace live:

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@aliweitz

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