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Bachelor In Paradise Week 5 Official Power Rankings

BadGalAli

I’m writing with absolute heat in my veins right now, as week 5 of Bachelor In Paradise has officially broken me. Spoiler alert but Mike, and just Mike, was eliminated this episode. There is no universe possible where Mike doesn’t get to live out a fairytale on network TV.

Plus nothing will fast track you to the bottom of the power rankings more than being a hating ass bitch. This week, there were a few.

ALSO,

Week 5 Official Power Rankings:

20. Nicole – There is no question Nicole was the worst person in the palapa Bachelor in Paradise this week. Clay was the one who broke up with Angela and Nicole is still being a hating ass bitch. That’s got to make Angela feel so much better–even your ex’s new Paradise bitch is threatened by how hot you are. Between the wedding and how shiny and voluminous Angela’s hair has looked so far, it’s still not even the reason she’s so much prettier than Nicole. It’s a proven fact that hating makes you ugly and with the comments about her body and her hair (both of which are perfect), Nicole is one ugly bitch right now.

19. Clay – Clay is right on Nicole’s coat tails for the dregs of what this show has to offer. The mystification of Clay’s big muscles and failed NFL career has faded and all that’s left is a little pussy ass bitch. I don’t know what’s come over me in this episode but there is a lot of hate in my heart for what’s going on this season of Paradise and I can’t hold it in. Clay just thought he could come on this show and find another beauty queen to take his gym pics for the 4 hours a day he’s in the gym. You broke up with her bro. Why are you worried so much about what Angela’s doing?? Him dream shaming her, saying what she wants in life isn’t good enough for him because she doesn’t go to the gym every day…I am slamming my fingers on this keyboard right now. I wish one of these chicks would just confront Clay. You’re never going to sniff a practice squad again. You’ve cashed your last game check. It’s time to develop a personality.

18. Kristina – FUCK Kristina and fuck her friendship roses. Even worse, fuck Kristina’s genuinely giving Blake another chance roses. We cannot help you if you cannot help yourself sis. I need Wells to step in here.

17. Tayshia – Tayshia was mean girling it up with Nicole talking shit about Angela this episode. I wouldn’t expect anything else from Tayshia. Always up in everyone else’s business like she has her shit together. Calling Clay out for not calling Nicole his girlfriend is something you can do in the real world, not in Paradise. We’re watching for the car crashes, the steaming piles of hot garbage that is Bachelor in Paradise. Stay out of our way.

16. Caelynn – Whoever is most into Caelynn is who Caelynn is most into. Still falling for Dean’s bullshit. He literally shaved his mustache as a ruse to get her to leave a Mexican paradise and go to the Grand Canyon in a van, and she’s insecure enough to say yes. Whatever it takes to stop watching her make out.

15. Dean – I don’t know if his face is a little tan so it looks weird but I can’t see Dean without a mustache at this point. I really have zero clue what these drop dead gorgeous women see in him but Mike’s in a limo home. Clarifying that the limo is not his actual home, because it feels necessary.

14. Chase – Once you go Ex on the Beach, you can’t come back to the Bachelor franchise. Sorry Chase, thems just the rules. At a certain point you wonder is it the going on TV to find love that isn’t working or is it just you?

13. JPJ – Didn’t really have a full breakdown this week, so he’s a bit lower on the rankings. A normal, non-vomiting JPJ is not the JPJ I want. Shoutout to him for convincing Tayshia to give him another chance. Apparently they are still seeing each other in real life. Color me shocked.

12. Blake – Kudos to Blake for realizing his only option left to stay to the end of this was to pretend to like Kristina. The minute Bri walked in you can see the panic wave over his face. Fight or flight kicks in and I’m impressed he held out. Plus he was everyone’s therapist this week, I think it was part of his agreed upon friendship rose to get to stay.

11. Connor – Is Connor the dumbest person to ever be on this show or does he just sound like it? I mean Demi’s impression was SPOT ON. The magic of being tall.

10. Sydney – Kissed one guy finally and then Bri walks in. That’s Paradise Sydney! Haven’t you learned by now. Should have kept Mike.

9. Luke – The only thing I know about Luke is that he looks like Nick Viall, which I didn’t think before but now can’t see anything else. Sorry, Luke.

8. Haley – Chris Bukowski needs to have a one on one with Haley to plant the seed of retirement. I feel bad but I just don’t think Paradise is going to work for Haley. I know how scary it is to have to go back to Hinge, but it’s time.

7. Old Matt Donald – I didn’t really notice how much everyone was sweating until Old Matt Donald starting talking about it. I get Mexico in the summer but he was a puddle. Needs to take a quick 5 min cold shower and try it again. Kissed 2 girls this week though, nice.

6. Chris&Katie – The perfect job of fading into the background with their storyline all season. There’s not as many weird cute moments as Hannah & Dylan or like actual emotional moments like Demi & Kristian, so Chris & Katie should just pretty much enjoy the vacation. This has by far been Chris Bukowski’s best Bachelor endeavor. Good for him.

5. Demi&Kristian – This is a full on regular ass boring relationship now. I will keep Demi for as long as possible just for the impressions of Connor.

4. Bri – That clip of her walking out of the water holding a surf board in that neon bikini was the nicest thing the show has done in years. Having that in your highlight reel is major for Bri.

3. Hannah&Dylan – My ranking on Hannah & Dylan is a little bit tainted because I like them on Twitter. That’s pretty much all it takes and most of these people are so bad at it. People I’d most like to hang out with in real life, but would never want to take a picture standing next to.

2. Angela – I have full respect for how Angela has played this game. Don’t say a whole lot, look hot and watch your ex boyfriend suffer on a free vacation. Almost ready to put the bad bitch tag on Angela.

1. Mike – What more can we say about Mike? It’s all been said. We will not rest until we’re watching Mike find love. If Nick Viall and Ari are worthy of love, you better find Mike the perfect wife. If ABC isn’t going to do it, I’m going to need MTV to step in.

@aliweitz

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