8 Guys You Saw At Your Fantasy Football Draft…

Alright, so last Saturday was my annual fantasy football draft. Like most degenerates, I’m in a couple more leagues as well as a season-long pick’ em pool, but this is the big one. This is the one that makes the biggest dent in the ole’ checking account, so yeah, I take it pretty seriously.

For those wondering (everyone), my team’s absolutely loaded with high character, locker room studs. Everyone knows chemistry is what ultimately what wins championships so I hunt nothing but grinders. If you took a blacklight to my locker room, you’d see nothing but glue…

Anyway, here are all the guys you’re guaranteed to see at your fantasy draft this year…

The Overprepared Guy

Allow me to abandon my schtick and be completely sincere for a second: If you’re someone who values their fantasy football success as a product of skill, you’re a fucking clown. When it comes down to it, fantasy football is predicated almost exclusively on luck. As much as you want to pat yourself on the back for not drafting a “bust,” there’s really no telling whether or not a guy like Jerick Mckinnon is going to split his leg in half during mini camp; unless it’s Jerick McKinnon, in which case he will. This is also the guy who spends 45 minutes walking to the front of the board, back to his seat to select a Defense in the 17th round.

The Poor Guy

For the record, a lot of the “guys” on this list have applied to me at one time or another, including this one. It doesn’t matter how rich your group of friends are, there’s always the one guy who never has his league fee on time. Back in the day (so the last few years, before I was a highly successful blogger/electrician), I would show up to the draft and basically win an Oscar while league dues were being collected. It isn’t until now that I realize how big of a piece of shit I was. I’m currently running a football pool with a $100 buy-in and I can’t tell you how many of my friends have expressed uncertainty about joining, referencing that they need to “check their finances.” Like, what the fuck does that even mean, dude? It’s $100. Either you have it or you don’t. Either Venmo me the bill or fuck off…

The Cocky Guy

The Cocky Guy somewhat bleeds into the overprepared guy. As I stated above, fantasy football is roughly 90% luck and anyone who suggests otherwise is either a.) a pretentious dickhead; or be.) desperately attempting to justify a bachelor’s degree in sports journalism. The Cocky Guy is also the dude who sits in the back of the room in front of 50 self-made Excel spreadsheets, snickering at seemingly every pick selected after the first round. Guy just sits there with his 32 ounce Gaterade saying stuff like “You know you need a Tight End, right?” or “You know [insert team] just drafted a runningback, right?” Like yeah dude, I know. I just don’t care because I’m not running a multimillion dollar franchise; I’m picking a fake fucking football team. Shut the fuck up and drink a beer for once.

The Drunk Guy

This is the guy who shows up to the draft 11 deep and proceeds to shotgun beers on the porch out back until he inevitably ends up puking in the dew-soaked grass to the left of the house. I won’t say who this guy is in my particular league but let’s just say I’m not proud of it.

The Wildcard Guy

Every few years or so, someone from the core league ends up moving or leaving the league, which opens the door for a new member. This guy could either a.) absolutely suck; or b.) fit in like a glove. I won’t go much further for this reason: Everyone reading this has someone in mind and it would be impossible for me to encapsulate that in a blog.

The Hard Knocks Guy

This is the guy who thinks he’s the only one with access to wifi and an HBO Go account. Every year, there’s that one player that Hard Knocks chooses to profile slightly more than others; coincidentally, this is also the player who gets criminally overdrafted somewhere around the 5th or 6th round. The Hard Knocks guy is the one who smugly takes a chance on this player strictly because he saw him burn a few corners in slow motion with Fort Minor playing in the background. Expect him to lose the league and never mention that pick again.

The Fucking Girlfriend Guy

For fear of coming off sexist, I won’t dig too far deep into this, but yeah, the guy who brings the girlfriend sucks. For most people, a fantasy football draft is somewhat of a getaway. It’s one of the few times guys are allowed to be complete and utter degenerates without judgment. I’m not saying that all girls have absolutely no idea what they’re talking about when it comes to football, but I will say roughly 80% don’t and the girlfriend who attends the fantasy draft falls into that percentage. She also falls into the percentage of girls who absolutely think they know what they’re talking about. That’s a tough two hours…

The Only Guy Who Cares About Civil Rights

This is also me. When people talk about civil rights, they often bring up names like Martin Luther King or Malcolm X, but I’m here to tell you those people don’t hold a candle to me. Every year, Colin Kaepernick sits on the bench while all my friends exercise their white privilege, snagging potential busts like Patrick Mahomes and DeAndre Hopkins; and every year, I’m the guy who has to stand up for minorities everywhere and pick him. I’m not saying I’m a hero. I’m just saying that not all heroes wear capes—some wear cargo shorts and boat shirts.

– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)

P.S. I didn’t proofread this at all. Wrote it in roughly 20 minutes before work so fuck off with any grammatical criticism.

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