An 8 Foot Python Was Reunited With His Family After Being Missing For 5 Days In Massachusetts

BadGalAli

This is just another one of those touching stories of lost animals being reunited with their loving families. Just kidding, this is fucking disgusting and whoever lost their 8 foot python snake in their backyard should be arrested and put on a watch list.

The fact that this was happening in my general vicinity has kept me up for countless nights, imagining my house would soon become a viral video of a huge snake dropping through the ceiling onto me as I sleep. On Tuesday in Newton MA, the owners of their beloved Lighting, an 8 foot Burmese Python, reported him missing.

A large python is on the run after the pet slithered away from a backyard in Newton, Massachusetts, and police are asking residents to keep their eyes peeled for it.

Authorities said the 6- to 8-foot Burmese Python escaped Tuesday from a backyard on Jewett Street. The Animal Rescue League said the snake is likely be out and about during warm hours and seek warmth in foundations and garages when temperatures become cooler.

The missing pet is described as thick and having black, gold and yellow skin. Police are not actively searching for it, but they are warning the public.

“The owner said it has never been aggressive, but because it is wildlife, if you see it, just stay away from it and give us a call,” Lt. Bruce Apotheker of the Newton Police Department said.

If you read this news report and live within 20 miles of Newton you have to evacuate and get a hotel until it’s found, right? Whoever wrote this shit was actively trying to scare an entire community and it’s literary genius. Saying it ‘slithered away from a backyard’?? And what the fuck? Police weren’t actively searching for it?? Why the fuck not? You can’t possibly drop this bomb on the lovely people of Newton and then just ask them to just casually keep their eyes peeled. This is the type of shit our tax money is for. I don’t care if there’s a few extra potholes on the road if I can guarantee a python doesn’t get loose for 5 days.

Also the owner said it has never been aggressive? Has it been to snake therapy? Everyone knows snakes are plotters and planners, we’ve all heard that story of the pet python trying to size up a human to eat him. This isn’t even the first time the state of Massachusetts has just misplaced a pet snake. This psychopath on the Red Line lost her 3 foot boa constrictor in the middle of the winter a few years ago. But on the MBTA, you always have to have your head on a swivel for rodents and snakes. Once you move to the suburbs of Newton you shouldn’t have to face peasant problems like loose pythons ever again.

There are no Burmese Pythons at Jabberwock Reptiles in Winchester, but the manager knows a lot about them. He said they are one of the largest snakes in the world, but are not venomous and do not move quickly.

“It’s not really going to chase you. They’re really girthy,” manager Jared Adelman said. “It’s not something that’s going to be able to take down a full grown human, but pets should definitely be held tightly until it is found.”

This isn’t really a positive endorsement from the random manager of a reptile store nearby. Anything really girthy I want no part of. Anything. Not something that could ‘take down’ a full grown human? I don’t want to be face to face with a python and find out. Plus I had to google image a picture for this blog and found a Burmese Python absolutely devouring a deer. No go, Jared.

While police weren’t actively looking for the snake for some unknown reason, a local snake expert was compelled into action. Jean-Paul LaPierre doesn’t really sound like a snake guy name, but these comments certainly expose his freak flag.

Jean-Paul LaPierre, a self-proclaimed snake expert, found Lightning in a yard adjacent to the owners’ yard, Newton Police said. He says picked it up and walked it home about 100 yards to the owner.

“I just put myself in that animal’s place, because I lived with them, so I know what they’re looking for, where they’re trying to go to,” LaPierre said. “It’s just a sense.”

Not to mention this snake was found 100 yards away? What were the owners doing within 5 days that they didn’t even check their immediate neighbors homes? We can be sure it wasn’t in this lady’s yard, she was not about to get taken out by Lightning.

The only mistake the town of Newton made was not calling Jana Melhoopen-Jonks.

@aliweitz

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