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by BadGalAli

Bachelor In Paradise Week 3 Official Power Rankings

These are the official power rankings after the end of week 3 of Bachelor In Paradise. We will pour it for the homies we lost at the rose ceremony (mostly just Wills) and we’re now at the point of the season where it’s awkward for new people coming. Neil Lane has already started preliminary interviews so you can’t just expect to waltz onto the beach and get to go to Krystal and Goose’s wedding.

Week 3 Official Power Rankings:

19. Nicole: I’ve had enough Nicole. I can’t help it–I am not invested in her love journey. Does she actually like Clay or does she just like dating a former NFL practice squad player. Also her song was terrible. Leave the music up to Hannah G.

18. Sydney: Every time I see Sydney’s intro clip I get more upset. Doing a cartwheel into a split into a hair flip is too extra, even for Bachelor in Paradise. Her only camera time this week was flirting with Mike, and that’s certainly not going to earn her any points around here.

17. Kristina: Bravely, I have canceled Kristina. Kristina is a beautiful person, people I like seem to like her so I’ve never voiced my opinion before but I’m not a big Kristina girl. I just don’t really care about her love journey either until she stops masochistically spotting the biggest fuckboy in a room and tries to be the cool girl to impress him even after he treats her like she’s a Caelynn when she’s really a Hannah G. Until Kristina sees that in herself, I can’t either.

16. Dean: Dean scrubbing his mustache with head and shoulders on the beach in the opening credits acting like this isn’t the first lather he’s had in months and still having women flock to him makes me sad for my gender.

15. Demi’s girlfriend: I don’t know enough about Demi’s girlfriend to give an accurate ranking so this should probably have an asterisk. She comes into Paradise shocked that Demi has had all these ‘romantic moments’ and I’m wondering if Demi told her she was only going on as a bartender. Regardless I don’t think it’s really fair for her to come on and not even have to fight for a rose.

14. Chris B: I’m annoyed producers are trying to make Chris Bukowski a main storyline. Chris B, Jen Saviano and Katie is not a love triangle America wants or needs. Most of his time on television was quietly deciding between two women and throwing up. Throwing up on TV always makes me feel sick. Thanks Chris.

13. Caelynn: Dean played a couple really funny pranks on Caelynn this week, pretending he was going on other dates just to hit her with a “siiiiiiike” and she fell for it every single time.

12. Tayshia: This show really wants Tayshia to find love. Her boobs have had the most positive edit of anyone this season.

11. Blake: At this point I blame these girls for the monster they’ve created with Blake. Anyone that falls for Blake’s fake flirting deserves to learn a lesson for their future. I think they should have a cool group nickname at this point like “Stagecoach Seven”.

10. Katie: Katie was such a classic case of freaking out about something before it even happens but I’m not really in a place to judge. Although when someone that looks like Jen Saviano comes for your man you’re allowed to be a little nervous.

9. Clay: He did not really talk at all this week so I have nothing to say about his kermit the frog voice. A silent, hot football player is enough for us.

8. Jen Saviano: I’ll always stand by the fact that Jen Saviano is one of the most underrated Bachelor people of all time. She didn’t make it far on her season, yet is widely accepted to be one of the most attractive people to ever compete on the show. She should be in Blake’s dilemma of getting all the guys before during and after Paradise except she doesn’t have a lot of game. Also everyone involved with this show is an idiot so I hope Jen doesn’t think it’s her…it’s them.

7. John Paul Jones: In case you didn’t know, I boycotted watching Hannah’s season of the Bachelorette. I didn’t know what to expect from John Paul Jones coming into Paradise. It’s not just a schitck, JPJ seems to be just nerdy enough to be cool. I read somewhere that he’s still been hanging out with Tayshia and even though it makes absolutely no sense visually, I’m okay with it.

6. Derek: I hate how forcefully ABC is pushing #DerekForBachelor on us. Mike Johnson is the absolutely perfect person to be the first black Bachelor. It’s time. The only thing keeping Mike from being the most beloved Bachelor contestant of all time is Tyler C, and a few more dates with Gigi and he’ll have it in the bag. This is a casting layup. And yet I still have a pit in the bottom of my stomach watching Derek get the most obvious Bachelor edit. This show has been on too long for us not to know what’s going on here. We are totally about to get a season of Derek as Bachelor, and my boycott may continue.

5. Caitlin: The last time I hated the choice for the Bachelor, it was on Caitlin’s season. I have no idea what happened when she was competing for Colton. Every year there’s 1-2 girls that are just extremely hot that get eliminated one of the first episodes. Caitlin comes in with frizz managed beach waved hair and the other girls have to be sweating even more. She dominated her argument with Kristina and put her in an absolute pretzel.

4. Demi: Wasn’t that invested in Demi and Derek and I’ll need to see a little more from Demi and Kristian before giving my official stance on the relationship. It takes a lot to be the first one to ever do it especially in the Bachelor world so I really give Demi credit for signing up for this. She’s a real one.

3. Mike: I will do whatever I can to convince the producers of the Bachelor to give us Mike as the Bachelor. I don’t want him to find love in Paradise, I actually hope he gets his very own sob story Bachelor edit. For now we’re stuck in a Bachelor-off.

2. Hannah G: Hannah G redeemed herself in my eyes for easily choosing Dylan and not even blinking an eye about her decision. Reality Steve reminded us this is literally 4 days in to Paradise so stop slut shaming Hannah. Dylan stans can finally trust Hannah G with his heart and his body.

1. Dylan: Just something about seeing someone really genuinely happy that makes me happy. Dylan has been glowing this week.

 

@aliweitz

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