Basic Bitchin: If You Drink Anything Pumpkin Flavored During The Month Of August You Deserve To Get Punched By Conor McGregor


Right now is the time of year things get a little testy. I can hear the rumblings and evil whispers all around me.

“OK I’ve had enough summer”

“ready for Fall!”

“Can’t wait to wear a cozy sweater!”

Really separates the real ones from the fakes. You can find me square up in my Tommy Bahama beach chair on the one 70 degree day we randomly get in October. But living in New England I’ve entered an unwritten contract that I must fully acknowledge all 4 seasons. There is a time and a place for a nice winter snowstorm or a leisurely pumpkin carve–but it’s certainly not August 14th. If I had the power to legally mandate one thing, it would be to not be able to even mention fall until the Tuesday after Labor Day weekend. Do not fucking rush me and my summer.

Nothing symbolizing the basic-ness that turns me into old man yelling at cloud more than pumpkin spice anything. I’m like Scrooge except for 6 months. The only seasons are summer, holding on to summer, not summer, waiting for summer. My body rejects it so I think pumpkin spice lattes and pumpkin tampons are the most vile thing millennials have done. And this is coming from the girl who ranked the best pickles (crinkle cut dill is the correct #1).

This year, both Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts are in a race to release the first pumpkin spice coffees of the season. Officially, Dunkin has thrown in the towel as of August 21st, Starbucks August 27th. Lightyears before Labor Day. My local drive thru is going to be plastered with apples and cinnamon and autumnal vibes and I’m not here for it.

Eight Dunkin’ stores will be temporarily rebranded as “Pumpkin” on Wednesday. They will serve free pumpkin-flavored beverages and “Munchkins lip balm” with a pumpkin scent. –

You better pray the Dunkin Donuts in Southie isn’t one of the 8 on this list or I will picket out front. Labor Day, that’s all I’m asking for. Give us the whole month of August. We will bend the knee and go back to becoming a social recluse inside if our homes with a step count of 12 for the entire weekend soon. Let’s all just put it on a signed piece of paper to say we will not do this shit before September.


Here is my suggestion for when it should be illegal to serve a pumpkin spice drink in a commercial space:


September 1st you want to buttchug 3 PSL’s while eating some apple pie go right ahead, but not a minute earlier or I truly would laugh if I saw a video of Conor McGregor punching you in the face.

Too strong?…maybe. But they say pick your battles and this is a cause worth my undivided attention. We cannot have pumpkin spice people in control of the world or in control of our summer.


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