I Will Impregnate A Generator Today To Become A Super Hero…

Joey Boats

Okay, so it’s currently Thursday and due to three OT graveyard shifts, I’ve managed to accrue roughly 9 hours of sleep since Sunday.

In other words, I’m pretty sure that transgender centaur who offered me two cornhole sets and a pint of liquid heroin in exchange for my Outback Steakhouse rewards membership may not have actually existed. Nevertheless, you can’t be too careful. Half price Bloomin’ Onion vouchers are blood diamonds through the eyes of depravity…

But enough about stupid shit. The real reason I’m writing this blog is because I’ve finally determined how to accomplish my lifelong dream of acquiring super powers.

Ever since I was a child, I wanted to be one of two things: a world class abortionist or a superhero. In my more naíve days, I entertained the prospect of achieving both; however, I resolved that gutting third trimester fetuses—albeit heroic—isn’t as fulfilling as decapitating organisms with sentience.

Anyway, for fear that one of my coworkers may stumble across one of these blogs and report me to the closest psychiatric asylum, let’s just say I work in the public transportation industry.

In other words, I’m required to avoid an onslaught of potentially fatal electrical hazards. Strictly speaking, all it takes is one or two erroneous moves to leave you looking like the inside of one of those Blockbuster microwavable popcorn buckets… which is just how I like it.

My employer spends an exorbitant amount of time and energy propogating the importance of safety. Seemingly all they do is preach caution and chastize me for enhaling lubricant fumes as if they’ve never been to college before.

Like, I’m a thrillseeker. I’m not some soft serve cuck you can stick in a cage. I like my flights with turbulence and my sex with the prospect of gonorrhea. If you tell me I can’t do something, I’ll do it, which is why when I was advised to be particularly careful around one specific piece of equipment, I knew what I had to do…

Tomorrow, as the sun sets down on an otherwise unremarkable day, I will seize the remarkable: I plan to have raw, unsolicited backdoor sexual relations with a 2.5 megawatt industrial generator.

Normally reserved for powering administrative skyscrapers, tomorrow it will serve as a vehicle to preeminence. Following my inevitably shortlived/underwhelming performance, I will have absorbed enough voltage to explode the Best Buy headquarters. I will have achieved my dream. I will have become the superhero everyone told me was an impossibility. I will be just…

Either that or the electrical current will slice through my heart like hot butter and my insurance won’t cover it…

P.S. Every once in awhile, I’ll leave a postscript declaring what I just wrote to be the “weirdest blog I’ve ever published.” That said, I don’t think I’m speaking in hyperbole this time. That was my apex mountain. Take a bow, Joe…

– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)

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