As some of you may know Branded is run by a tyrant who goes by the name Joe. Yesterday the internet got all riled up when Dave Portnoy of Barstool Sports threatened to fire his staff if they tried to unionize. That diabolical son of a bitch! So, in a super secret group chat that 100% doesn’t have CEO Joe in it I suggested that Branded should also unionize and in response
that scumbag Joe posted this on the site last night.
In that blog Joe not only made fun of the lack of lightbulbs I own, which to be clear I own several, he is entertaining the idea of firing one of the bloggers to shut me up and I won’t stand for it! With that being said, like Joe said in the blog, I am a loyal soldier and because of that I have decided to take it upon myself to make power rankings explaining who/why Joe should fire a blogger.
This list will include all RELEVANT bloggers. 1 is who I’d fire and 10 is untouchable, lets begin.
10. Ali– Queen of the clicks I would say is a valuable asset to the team. She might be a degenerate who is a Lakers, Yankees, Patriots fan but she’s from Boston and between you and me I can’t handle all these “other” people at Branded without her. Ali is in. Also, she is the only girl and if Joe fired her I fear the internet shame will scare him so bad Branded as we know it will fall apart.
9. Eddie– Obviously Joe can’t fire me. I’m the whistle blower, you can’t fire the guy who tries to start the union that is a PR and legal nightmare that Joe can’t handle right now. Not to mention that baby boy brings all the clicks to the yard and like stated above I’m loyal to a fault. I am begging for an internet fight with a rival podcast or site, I’ll fight with someone at Branded I just need blood.
8. Joey Boats– Uh no shit Boats is safe. I know what you’re thinking, “Eddie this list is just bias towards the Boston crew”, and well yes but not because we’re the Boston crew. it’s because we’re better than the rest of the team… because of where we’re from. Also, us three are from Barstool Idol and I feel a strange connection to Ali and Boats because of that, even though I didn’t get past auditions and Boats was a different day so we didn’t actually meet until I joined Branded. Seriously though, Boats is an electric factory with the videos and I hope we can do some content together in the future so Boats is safe.
7. Ronnie– I think Ronnie is the only person who is newer than I am and I’m not even sure if he’s like an official blogger because I don’t remember him being introduced. Just one day he had blogs on the site, maybe he hacked on and Joe has been too busy counting his money earned off of Misty Lomans back to notice so for that reason Ronnie is safe. (Don’t hack me)
6. Jay– Dudes got massive arms and that’s intimidating. That about does it.
5. Dave Esser– Dave is Brandeds Phillies guy who just followed me on Twitter the other night so that hurt him but he seems like a nice enough guy. I think he’s from like Maryland so not totally sure why he’s the Philly Insider but I respect the finesse.
4. Dubs– I’m actually not totally sure who this is and I don’t think he has even blogged since I’ve been apart of the team. He might not even exist and it is just the rest of the crew playing some weird elaborate joke on me but supposedly he is from Boston so he can’t be in the bottom 3.
This top 3 was carefully selected so just know you all deserve to be here and I want to stress to the readers that this is COMPLETELY SERIOUS AND I THINK JOE SHOULD FIRE ONE OF THESE 3.
3. Hoppsy– He is from Canada, uh no thanks bud.
2. Aidan– This one hurt the most. Aiden wouldn’t be on this list but he wrote this abomination last week.
Is Kendrick Perkins the Internet’s worst person currently?@KendrickPerkins
— Branded Sports (@branded_sports) August 8, 2019
I refuse to just sit here and let Celtic Legend, NBA Champion and future Hall of Famer Kendrick Perkins get slandered, I will not stand for it!
*Drum roll please*
The Person I think Joe should fire is…
1. Kmess– First off he is from Philly so he loses points there. Second, he went to Ireland and I’m jealous of that. Third, he is a Cowboys, Yankees fan… clean it up dude. Most importantly he is Joes best friend. If Joe wants me to think he is serious about this whole union thing than go ahead and fire your best friend you coward.
Hopefully Joe can take a break from drinking sangria on a beach to see that I made a Top Ten of all of Brandeds RELEVANT people. Now once Joe chickens out and doesn’t fire anyone I will lead the charge into unionizing Branded, I will bring us to the promise land. Unless it fails and if that happens I would like to appoint Boats as Union Leader.