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Bachelor In Paradise Week 2 Official Power Rankings

BadGalAli August 14, 2019

Week 2 of Bachelor in Paradise is in the books and it feels like 3 months since Blake fucked the entire house. Things sure do change quickly in Paradise. There are still 22 people on this fucking show, TWENTY TWO, and I despise nearly all of them.

The OFFICIAL power ranking of the remaining 22 contestants left on Bachelor in Paradise:

22. Christian: Never heard of the guy before tonight and I already regret it. At first it was just the highwater skinny dress pants and Reeboks on the beach, but then he opened his mouth and it went way downhill. He clearly watched a lot of game film before coming on this show on how to be the villain. But if the Real World doesn’t allow fighting, ABC (the network, not the cheesy slogan of a Bachelor contestant) certainly isn’t going to allow it. Christian came and went quicker than Blake the morning after Stagecoah.

21. Dean: I just thought Dean was coming back to the show with a new creepy mustache but not as a full on homeless person. It’s unclear really where Dean sleeps every night–if it’s in a van, car, or at a different girls house, but we did get full clarity on the shower situation. Just a casual lake or pond shower when Dean’s in proximity to a good lake. I can’t even be that mad at Dean, it literally all works for him. I could definitely smell Dean through my television and he just walked in there and took someone from MIKE like he didn’t come on this show for a free hotel.

20. Nicole: Nicole suuuuuuuucked this episode. I’ll say it, she was insufferable. She could never handle life as the Bachelorette, despite saying 16 times this episode she felt like she was just that. That’s all she wanted out of this anyways, an official one on one date.

19. Sydney: Sydney is having some real trouble understanding what TV show she is on. I keep hearing little snippets of someone slut shaming Hannah for dating multiple guys at once on a TV show that is encouraging dating multiple guys at once and without a doubt the camera always stops at Sydney. Girl needs to worry more about swooping in to steal Wills or Mike while she still has a chance rather than worry about what Hannah G is doing with her Hannah V.

18. Caelynn: Automatic drop in rankings for thinking what’s happening on Dean’s face is acceptable. I consider you an enabler for letting it continue. Drama always follows Caelynn, and it’s probably because of outfits like that neon green dress she was wearing. At a certain point though you have to fine tune the fuckboy detector and go for someone like say, Wills or Mike, for random example.

17. Blake: Risky putting Black ranked above Caelynn this week, but he gains points for not fucking anyone additional this week. He was in like one scene dancing like fucking Carlton and making millions of women nauseous with his behavior. Huge improvement from last week.

16. Clay: It pains me to say this but I think Clay is the lamest guy on this show, even if he is a millionaire. He’s getting so much screen time to tell dad jokes and do a few pushups against a rock and the women are taking their pants off. I’m just not buying his one woman man schtick and think his inner wanna be NFL player just likes a good competition. He wanted Nicole more because other guys did. Plus his stupid voice overrules his abs.

15. Tayshia: Really hated Tayshia’s confrontation of Hannah G this week. No one wants to step in and remind people that this is fucking Bachelor in Paradise!! If Hannah G wants to make out with every guy in this place she should. She’s making up for a season of The Bachelorette many of us prayed for. Instead of confronting Blake for undoubtedly spreading a mild curable STD, she is mad at Hannah for not telling her? Tayshia is higher than she should be because she’s still been dressing well and showing off her great boobs. John Paul Jones can get it.

14. Chris Bukowski: For someone who made a career on being relatively obnoxious he’s been very benign this season so far. Like a pimple that’s easily covered by makeup but you’d prefer would kind of just disappear, Chris is mainly staying out of the way. He somehow got Katie to be more into him than Wills–it’s almost like he’s done this before. Plus this software engineer just bodied him.

13. Onyeka: The middle of this list are the ones I often forget are even on this show. I’m not entertained any time Onyeka is on camera, but she’s not on much so it’s not a huge problem.

12. Katie: I cannot fathom a universe where someone who seems as cool as Katie would pick Chris Bukowski over Wills. But you can climb a power ranking quick with a drunken meltdown or two. Every season of BIP needs one of those.

11. Guy with the biceps: I have genuinely no idea what that guys name is, or how to describe him. The only thing I know about him is he has large biceps. He hasn’t said anything racist yet and I don’t think he’s made out with one girl so he’s pretty harmless.

10.   Kristina: Still haven’t reached a verdict on how I feel about Kristina yet, even after all these years. I have seen her and I know she’s smoking hot but I feel like she just doesn’t really get it and at this point it’s annoying. Look in the fucking mirror.

9. Cam: Cam had a real breakthrough this week. He showed his human side and I don’t even think he rapped once. I can’t believe fucking ABC Cam is in the top 10 on the rankings this week but that’s just how trash these people are.

8. Derek: I still want more answers on what happened with Derek and Taylor, so I haven’t really had the closure I need to have Derek move on to Demi. They both seem like normal, rational adults (comparatively) and Derek didn’t flinch when Demi came out as bisexual. I feel like you shouldn’t get another chance on Paradise if you get engaged and break up, but I guess he proposed at the reunion so have at it Derek.

7. John Paul Jones: I protested this season of The Bachelorette so I wasn’t fully aware of John Paul Jones before this. He is a weird fucking guy, but he is Ryan Gosling in The Notebook compared to guys like Blake and Dean. He read a fucking POEM this week…on Bachelor in Paradise. God bless John Paul Jones.

6. Hannah G: 6 is the lowest I’ll go on Hannah G for what she’s doing to Dylan right now. I respect her for wanting to actually date people on a dating show and despite making out with Blake in front of cameras on the beach any chance she gets, I don’t think she’d ever give Blake a rose over Dylan. She’s not that savage.

5. Jordan: I can already tell Jordan is not going to find love on this season of Bachelor in Paradise. Again I don’t think previously engaged people from this show should be allowed back in Paradise unless they really got fucked over, and Jordan did. I don’t think one member of Bachelor Nation believes Jenna over Jordan in that breakup. There hasn’t been one Bachelor contestant in history to win by a wider margin, until maybe Jed. I could get used to Jordan and Demi as commentators.

4. Dylan: My dude Dylan is not going to give up on Hannah G, no matter what, and he’s not afraid who knows it. I for one stan a loyal guy. Someone once told me the key to marriage was to find someone who is more in love with you than you are with them. In the Bachelor world, Dylan might be the only one to love someone else more than themselves. Hannah G will come to her senses, I know it.

3. Mike: Got the goosebumps when Mike was comparing himself to the homeless men in the villa. No one is else is Mike fucking Johnson. That’s OUR Bachelor. Let’s be real no one is rooting for Mike to date anyone on Paradise because we want to watch him juggle 25 other women simultaneously and can’t have him be emotionally scarred going into it. Protect Mike at all costs.

2. Demi: This show would be an absolute snoozefest without Demi. She has a pulse on public opinion and a way with words to perfectly and accurately describe the feelings of the masses. They better hope Demi’s ex girlfriend comes to Mexico because if Demi leaves we’re all fucked.  I have faith producers know this.

1. Wills: A national treasure. I knew I could never trust these basic Revolve models to put Wills on the pedestal he deserves. Katie owes him an Instagram story apology apologizing for that reaction when Wills said he was into her. The facial expressions, the edgy Chris Brown hair, the graphic patterned silk button ups. I’m getting sweatier than Josh Murray on BIP 3. I always want Wills to find love in Paradise but not too much love because I think there’s still a chance we could be soulmates.

 

@aliweitz

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