Okay, so it’s Wednesday and I have some explaining to do…
Over the past two weeks, I’ve worked nearly 120 hours and, on top of that, I moved into a new apartment and smashed up my 2014 Ford Fiesta (“The Sex Machine”). In other words, I’ve dedicated the majority of the past fortnight to unpacking exorbitantly priced vibrators, sifting through auto junk yards, and negotiating AAA discounts with vehicle rental companies who flat out don’t care…
Anyway, I needed a break. More importantly though, I needed to hop back aboard the blogwagon and—as Branded’s self-asserted movie guy—finally getting around to see Quentin Tarantino’s Once Upon A Time in Hollywood seemed like the best way to do so.
For context, nearly every cinema chain offers a discounted price on Tuesdays. For example, AMC Theaters (the theater closest to my new apartment) charges $6 for any showing on Tuesdays so I thought I was all set. For those keeping score at home, “thought” is the key word in all of that.
I pull into the lot and stroll up to the ticket office, only to have some 17-year-old, bracelet-wearing Lumineers fan inform me that the discount is only provided to members. Since I didn’t take the time to enroll in AMC’s rewards program, I was forced to bend over and cough up the $16.99 to sit in front of a projector amongst a swatch of degenerate slobs and unregistered sex predators.
Fine. It’s whatever. It’s not the first time I overpaid for something—one of my university’s Cape Verdean landscapers used to charge an arm and a leg for hand jobs back in the day.
I walk in and navigate towards the snack stand. Considering I had to refinance my student loans to afford the ticket, I would’ve normally just ignored the laundry list of overpriced menu items; however, AMC makes it TOUGH.
For starters, AMC doesn’t provide a “small” popcorn option. The only sizes they offer are “Fat Fuck” and “Cardiac Arrest.” Even more ridiculous, they sell an item called “The Bavarian Legend.”
For those unfamiliar, The Bavarian Legend is a 1.5 pound pretzel with an assortment of dipping sauces. It might as well be served with a wheelbarrel to transport your ass to the dumpster out back once you die of heart failure during the third act. Honest to God, it’s one of the most reprehensible menu offerings I’ve ever seen. Our country’s grossly overpopulated and I’m pretty sure the Bavarian Legend is just a way for our government to trim the herd a bit until the next 9/11 (joke).
Anyway, I finally get to my seat and immediately adjust into a recline. Once Upon A Time In Hollywood is yet another 3-hour Tarantino installment so comfortable seating is a must. Unfortunately, I didn’t know how much of a “must” it was.
The previews start around 7:15 and they keep going. And going. And going…
35 FUCKING MINUTES! 35 FUCKING MINUTES OF PREVIEWS…
It reached the point where I was like “Okay, one more preview and I’m leaving.” Then, after four more previews, I finally fucking left.
Where does AMC get off thinking they can toss out a 7:15 start time on a 2.5 hour movie and proceed to run the reel around around 8…?
I have a job. I have shit to do. When you say the movie’s going to start at 7:15, the movie better start by 7:30, at the latest.
I watched a trailer for the fucking Dora The Explorer movie for God’s sake. What kind of cross marketing is that? Who the fuck is sitting in an R-rated drama centered around the Manson murders and thinking “I wonder what Boots is up to..?”
So yeah, my reviews on pause because now I have to wage war with yet another multi-million dollar corporation. Stay tuned…
– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)