The Time Philly Twitter Wanted Me Dead

I have been waiting for awhile to bring this bad boy to life and I think this is the perfect time. I’m sure most people reading this are from Philly because Branded is still a pretty Philly dominated site, that’s a big reason why i’m writing this now, another is because football is back but I think everyone needs to be humbled from time to time. This was a very humbling moment for me. Allow me to paint a picture for you.

The 76ers just beat the Miami Heat to advance to the second round of the playoffs and I see this tweet come across my timeline.

Now me being a piece of shit from New England and a Celtics fan I had to say something. You know when you see an injustice in the world and you just ignore it because someone else will deal with it, I am that someone else. As someone who has never been to Miami and only to Philly one time on an 8th grade field trip you could say I was pretty knowledgeable on the situation. The internet says Philly is trash and theres a little rivalry between Boston and Philly going on, let me remind you the Eagles beat the Patriots two months prior and I wasn’t over it. I ran with this and didn’t think much of it.

To my surprise the guy I was messing with has a bit of a Philly following and he had time tonight. What my pal Jimmy did was risky but because I am a big dumb moron it payed off.

If you’re having trouble seeing, that is a screenshot of my profile picture at the time with a couple hairs by my cow lick out of place. When you look like Jimmy looks this is a risky move. I went on the offensive.

This was my mic drop moment, boom roasted. I fucking EVISCERATED that man…

Turns out that wasn’t Jimmy. No my friends that is Doug Pederson, Head Coach of the Eagles. Yes, I am aware how dumb I am. I am a man of internet honor and integrity however so I left the tweet up and you trashcans lit me up.

Before we continue I want the record to show had I just got the right guy I win and its not even close. I tried to redeem myself but it wasn’t going to fly.

Again, no contest if I just knew what the fucking dude looked like I come out golden. I think the worst part about this was I thought about this exact scenario before I sent the tweet, I googled this guy and for some reason after my quick stint as an investigative journalist ended I guessed the wrong guy. Sue me. A year and some change later if you search Jimmys @ and Doug Pederson on Twitter his response is still the first thing that pops up.

From death threats to insults the next two days were an experience. It looks like the person who tweeted this deleted their Twitter but they sent my picture to supercuts and these assholes apologized for the bad haircut, I mean come on.


I think a few things are clear after all of this.

  1. I should learn what football coaches look like.
  2. I was and still am better looking than Jimmy Kempski.
  3. I feel like there should be a third lesson here but I can’t think of it.

In all seriousness, the whole time I was getting death threats and DMs from you scumbags I was having so much fun. Probably my worst moment on social media and it was a blast. Also, if you DM someone that they’re a ‘dumb mother fucker” instead of just tweeting it at me like the rest of Twitter you are, undeniably, the biggest pussy on the internet.

I think at this point we can just call a truce. You guys are scumbags but you won that Super Bowl ANNNND you dunked all over me. I’m easily the best looking person you’ll see today or tomorrow but I thought the old guy was a beat reported not a Super Bowl winning Coach. I’d say we’re even.

Was reading the replies back after I wrote this and man I remember way more death threats/funnier replies.


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