On beaches, seagulls have always been that one guy at every bar looking for a fight that will inevitably ruin everyone’s good time. They steal your food, invade your space, and have the most condescending look in the animal kingdom.
For most people, all they really are is the pigeons of the sea, but as someone who lives near the beach, I know them to be ISIS in the sky. They are terrorists and a flock of them in England are the most recent terror cell to make a family feel like their in a scene from Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds”
“A two-year-old girl was attacked by a flock of seagulls as she played in her back garden – just days after angry birds savaged her pet dog to death. Little Jessie Vincent, from Cornwall, was left with facial injuries following the shocking attack.” Tom Bevan, Daily Mirror
Thank god this 2-year-old is okay, but this dog’s murder should be enough for all out war. Enough is enough, these terrorists need to be dealt with. I want, nay NEED, the FBI, CIA, Interpol and Bald fucking Eagles to all work together and get rid of seagulls once and for all.
They are scum and should be treated as such. So in honor of this poor little pup and his baby sister, be sure to pump seagulls full of any rock you can find this weekend. You’ll not only be doing the world a service, but will also find eating your PB&J on the beach to be much more satisfying when a seagull doesn’t eat the other half of it.
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