Alright, so it’s Friday and the sky’s the limit. Most Fridays around 6 PM, I’m already three sheets to the wind, desperately texting old flings to see if they want to meet up at the local Dave & Buster’s to watch me dominate skeeball, but not tonight…
Tonight I’m working, which means I have shit to do. Unfortunately, it also means 3.5 hour commutes both ways in 95-degree heat, which is fine because I’m a fucking savage. Instead of listening to the radio, I connected Netflix to my 2014 Ford Fiesta soundsystem and locked into a 2-hour showing of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
For those unfamiliar, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is the single worst piece of steaming cow shit to ever grace a cinema marquee. It’s fucking awful, so obviously I had to hate watch it.
For the record, it’s a Tim Burton joint, which means it most likely sucks if it’s not named The Nightmare Before Christmas or Beetlejuice.
Also, Johnny Depp’s in it because when Hollywood needs an actor to ruin something, he’s the guy who gets the ring.
I’ll just put it this way: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is flat out the most upsetting movie I’ve ever seen.
And for those wondering, I don’t mean “upsetting” in the sense that it ruined the original. People who say that are absolute morons and only say it because it’s cliché. I mean, in what world does a sequel ruin the original? Do you actually think less of Dumb and Dumber because of the trash that came after? Or do you just shrug it off as a cashgrab and move on? The answer is the latter.
Anyway, I digress…
Disclaimer: I’m at work and have to write this blog in under 20 minutes so don’t expect a James Joyce, Ulysses-type analysis here. I call it shotgun blogging…
Everything about this movie is just disturbing. From the colorization to the cast is just obnoxiously unsettling. I understand the original wasn’t the most kid-friendly kids’ movie (kinda dark and creepy, actually) but this one is just suicide fuel.
Actually, I think my hatred for Johnny Depp started with this movie. Just because someone acts like a fucking weirdo in every film, doesn’t mean they’re some sort of eccentric genius. Point blank: the guy sucks. Outside of that pirate role, he just plays the same character in every movie with different makeup. I honestly fell asleep during that Whitey Bulger movie, and my family grew up in Dorchester for God’s sake.
I think their intent was for the humor to come from Depp’s wacky antics and quips, but you would have to be a sick son of a bitch to feel anything but nausea during this movie. There literally isn’t a SINGLE line of dialogue worth even smirking at.
Not to mention, one of the things I hate when Hollywood attempts to expand on a remake or a short book/concept is, well, that they attempt to expand them.
In other words, things like Cat In The Hat don’t need a 2-hour expansion. If so, the writers are given the burden of fabricating unnecessary exposition like backstories etc. and that NEVER works.
In this movie, the backstory is Willy Wonka’s poor relationship with his father. For those wondering, Wonka’s father was a dentist and didn’t approve of his infatuation with candy. In response, he became a freakshow, meth-addicted pedophile who torchers children in a chocolate factory. Bit of a reach but that’s just Burton I guess. I mean, he’s a genius…
I’ll wrap it up with this: if you’re someone who liked this movie, you’re twisted. Literally blindfold yourself and walk through a crowded intersection. As I mentioned, it took me over 3 hours to get to work today and a few blog-induced suicides could help the cause (I’m kidding for legal reasons; don’t kill yourself).
P.S. I just noticed Rotten Tomatoes has this shit at 83% and I’m lost. It’s literally just Michael Jackson in a chocolate factory…
– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)