After The Bachelorette was announced as Hannah B (and not the one true Hannah, Hannah G), I made a brave announcement that I didn’t think I could watch this season. For the most part that’s been true. I haven’t watched one full episode in it’s entirety, that is the truth. But I’ve kept up on the spoilers and off screen drama like someone who is emotionally invested. And after I caught a glimpse of what’s going on these fantasy suite dates, I am suddenly feeling a strong need to voice my opinions.
Fantasy suite episodes are always must watch, because we get to see pairings of two hot under 30 year olds pretending they aren’t fucking the minute the cameras finally leave them alone. I always encourage trying a sample of the milk before you buy the cow. Seems like Hannah B is too. She seemed super horny this episode, and I’m not sure if she’s been that way all season or Grecian architecture just gets her going.
I missed Peter the Pilot’s date, but I now know they banged twice inside of a windmill. I haven’t felt so scandalous since that scene in Joe Millionaire with all the slurping. News just hit stands today that Peter had an ex girlfriend before he went on the show, but boy is he lucky to be in a top 4 with Luke P and Jed.
I don’t even want to include Tyler in on this discussion. I really can’t imagine how sick it must make Hannah that she slept with more than one of these guys, but not Tyler. When you have the opportunity to have sex with a guy as beautiful and as universally loved as Tyler, you just can’t pass that up. I love respect too but I would kinda want Tyler to disrespect me a little if you know what I’m saying.
— JulesLovesTylerC (@juliana81445303) July 16, 2019
— s.blackburn ✍🏾 (@basicallyblackk) July 16, 2019
OMG now a video of Tyler saying the name of my sorority (sick brag I have friends I paid for) in the hottest voice ever.
Tyler C said himself!! Go Gamma Phi 🌙 pic.twitter.com/UEsWPXAb1c
— abby ihlenfeldt (@AbbyIhlenfeldt) July 2, 2019
Just when I thought that was the most gut wrenching, regretful moment I was going to endure watching this episode, Jed and his small head walked onto my screen, “distressed” leather boots and all. I guarantee a bagel cashier has asked Jed if he wants a mini bagel before. He’s probably written a few songs about it. What Bagel Boss failed to realize that if you’re short, you just need to have a six pack and a sweet fade to get all the women.
It sure works for Jed. For some incomprehensible reason Hannah wants to jump Jed’s bones but nice and respectful with Tyler. If you forgot or don’t watch, Jed is the Nashville “singer” who has a whole relationship back at home. And what’s he doing? “Being honest” with Hannah that he fears she’s holding onto toxic things like Luke P for too long. This man, BOY if you will, straight up went on reality TV, pulled a stunt like this and has the confidence to think he is getting away with it. Truthfully at this point in the filming he is getting away with it, but Twitter doesn’t exactly stop after The Bachelorette.
This motherfucker gives a full lecture to Hannah about what type of person it makes her look like to keep someone like Luke around and in the same conversation as him. HOW DARE she compare a manipulative psychopath and an emotionally void blow up doll fuckboy?
— Brett S. Vergara (@BrettSVergara) July 16, 2019
No one benefited from this display of utter disgusting behavior than Luke P. Once we got to Luke’s sex shaming segment I was so bummed it was not about to be Jed’s reckoning day because Hannah is so distracted by becoming a feminist icon. This episode was her fence jump moment, and Jed snuck under the radar like the fucking slitherly snake he is. Not on my watch.
This is the worst type of fuckboy around. Jed’s playing magic tricks and he’s doing it like a PRO. Like he does this for a living, because he literally does. Trying to become a country singer in Nashville requires you to put in a certain amount of hours making hundreds of Bachelorette party girls fall in love with you for the night but they always leave within 3-5 business days. He’s not used to getting this far down the line so now he’s just saying what he thinks would make the best country song lyrics. Might as well get some rehearsal time in while still on TV. If Jed was even a remotely talented artist he would make a whole album about this experience, just Taylor Swift it up and make the most of your 15 minutes.
I don’t think Jed has it in him, though. He’s definitely a huge pussy in real life, used to just skating by with a twang and a few strums of the guitar. Poor guy had no shot against Bachelor Nation, we will chew you up and spit you out…with memes.
— Bachelor Bishes (@BachelorBishes) July 16, 2019
— Brett S. Vergara (@BrettSVergara) July 16, 2019
This is a pro-spoiler blog so don’t keep reading if you don’t want to know (have a little fun come on) but I might have to watch the final episode now to see how awkward it’s going to be when Hannah is freed from the chains of reality TV vague answers and can really go off about how this thing crashed and burned. Can she still get Tyler back? How many times have they had sex since then? Seems like he’d be open to it.
Let him know! You are so damn powerful Hannah. You move mountains! https://t.co/YkX20Vnncf
— Tyler Cameron (@TylerJCameron3) July 16, 2019