Hill I’ll Die On: Not Having An iPhone In 2019 Is Unacceptable

Not even sure if Samsung users will be able to read this blog because I don’t even know if Samsung Internet even works. All you droid or galaxy or whatever the fuck it is, you people out there are living in the Stone Age. It’s 2019, it’s time to either get an iPhone or not have access to a phone at all. Actually I’ll make you a deal, you can have a phone but if you don’t have an iPhone before the year 2020 you have to turn in your smart phone for a rotary house phone.

You Samsungers need to get with the times. Every time I see my text bubble turn green I immediately contemplate deleting the number. It’s irrationally irritating to deal with you green bubbled bitches. You get in the groove of a big group text then all of a sudden Tommy jumps in and fucks it all up. You start getting texts back in the group, texts out of the group. Your phone becomes pure chaos and I’m no longer allowing it to be accepted. We need to come together as a species and end this silly divide. Samsung is clearly the weaker of the two, just accept it and move forward.

And I know what your argument is, “Joe you’re just one of the Apple sheep. I’m independent, I make up my own mind about what type of phone I’ll use!!” Ummmmmm….just to clear something up about that. YOU OWN A SAMSUNG!! You’re not Dexter in the woods as a lumberjack (spoiler alert.) Samsung is a massive company, it’s not some mom and pop shop being ran out of a garage in Ohio. One family working tirelessly, snapping Galaxies together. Not even close. You’re just as much as a sheep as the rest of us iPhone using highly intelligent people. So cut the, I’m better than that shit.

Look, this isn’t me yelling at you even though it feels like I’m yelling at you. I’m just trying to make your life better. The view the top of Apple mountain is a beautiful one. We have things like iMessage (iMessage fucks), we can record screen and sound, we can do that little tap to automatically scroll up and compatibility. iPhones can connect to literally anything. My wife’s coffee cup connects to her phone, it’s bananas.

At the end of the day you can do whatever you want. Just know that I hate you every time you text me and I don’t want to hear your smug attitude. iPhone > Samsung, those are just the facts.

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