NBA free agency officially started at 6pm last night and literally $2 billion dollars was given out to a bunch of guys that are tall and can play basketball even moderately ok. If you think it is stressful as a fan watching your team try to throw $160 million dollars at them to get them to come to your city, imagine how it feels for the hundreds if not thousands of Instagram models and aspiring Instagram models trying to at least become the #1 ranked side chick with loge level seats. Things are ruthless in the WAG community. Competition is at its highest but then again, so is opportunity. I bet girls are getting Venmo’d for Birkin bags on any everyday basis. It’s a booming industry.
If you’re lucky enough to become an NBA players local, hometown girlfriend, life is pretty set. Fancy dinners, driving in nice cars, sometimes even paying actual like utility bills. Don’t think I wouldn’t ask for a little help with my electric bill, I like air conditioning. But you also must always live with a pit in your stomach that in 2-3 years other people will start bidding on your man, and all of the women in those cities start smelling blood in the water.
The biggest announcements made on Sunday night included Kevin Durant signing with the Nets for $164 million, Kyrie joining him for $141 million, the Sixers seriously gave Tobias Harris $180 million, you can catch the rest on the tracker. As a result, you can guarantee that an influx of New York influencers have started following Taj Gibson on Instagram as of about 9pm when he signed for $20 million dollars (here you go guys).
I might write this type of stuff in jest but I really think these are strategic business decisions for women. Watching the frivolous spending in NBA free agency period is extra painful when you realize there is no job on this planet even a talented woman can get in her 20s that pays a contract of $180 million dollars. More business women lay on their death bed with 1/100th of that after working for 40 years in a factory so why should we judge 20 something women who seek a relationship with a top tier athlete in the hopes of financial gain? Without a 401K you have to make it work somehow. If you have a burning passion to save lives as a doctor, help the poor, run a company or run the world by all means be my guest. But if you don’t respect the hustle of an Insta thot exhausted from pooping out all that Flat Tummy Tea and putting on a Fabletics fashion show twice a month, you’re just a hater.
You can’t even be that mad if you’re the wife of these players either, can you? No one willingly marries and NBA player expecting him to be faithful. I wouldn’t expect it from a 4th grade school teacher at this point but much like bears shit in the woods, NBA players have their own personal roster. There’s typically a hierarchy, or at least from what I’ve seen portrayed on TV and in movies, and being the wife is obviously the best position. Usually you’ve got an airtight prenup or a baby to ensure that you are locked in to the NBA money for a lifetime. For reference, Al Horford is worth about $100 million dollars. With that type of money there’s enough to go around.
I consider this a feminist take, and I fully support all women using all resources available to do whatever makes them happy. Until it’s common for 19 year old women to get signed for millions out of college, then I’ll raise the standards. For now I’m fine watching women actively try to suck from the teet of the NBA. Pretty soon they’ll be changing the rules because of it, I guarantee it.
If you’re one of the hopefuls that just started getting serious with an NBA player, say Jimmy Butler in Philadelphia, and you find out he signed with the Miami Heat, stress is at an all time high. You have max just a few weeks to get your shit together and figure out your next move. I wonder if there is a sort of grace period NBA players give to make sure no one sells a bad story about you to TMZ. What a colossal waste of time you just spent going out to the club until 5am 3 times a week, but that’s the life you choose. It certainly has its perks. Back to the hair gummy sponsored posts until Al Horford gets into town.
For the side chicks lucky enough to see their man re-sign with the same team–take a deep breath. It’s probably 60-70% of the reason Klay re-signed with the Warriors, too much work finding a whole new thottourage in anywhere else but California. Can’t do much better than Laura Harrier and Eiza Gonzalez fighting over you.
If you’re an NBA team looking to land a big free agent, I suggest you work closely with your local aspiring WAG community to put together a good enough pitch. Find out what type of girls he likes and give him a menu. Throw in a Range Rover for the Mrs. I bet Knicks fans wished James Dolan had at least tried it.