Is Kyrie A Real Fucking Person…?

Joey Boats

Okay, so it’s Thursday and the weather is getting to me. I think condensation may be my least favorite thing in existence. I’m also stuffed up from the surplus of neon pollen that has pooled along the sides of my neighborhood street. When I eventually run for president in 2024, those might be the two platforms I run on—no pollination or condensation without representation. Furthermore, I’ll eradicate safe spaces and enlist Ja Rule as my VP, exclusively so I can claim the United States is under Ja rule…

On a side note though, is Kyrie Irving a real fucking person?

Back in February, I wrote a blog about how I was done with this dude and took some kickback on Twitter. Now, I’m not here to say I was right or a genius or some paragon of virtue capable of surveying the future under the pseudonym of “Joestradamus” but I kind of am. Normally, when I have strong takes like this, I’m right; in this situation, however, I wholeheartedly didn’t know how right I was.

During the regular season, Kyrie was clearly an issue but it wasn’t until the Celtics got their asses handed to them by Giannis and company that shit hit the fan. Everyone in Boston was just kind of like, “He’s a pain, but let’s see what they do in the playoffs.” Well, now we know what they did in the playoffs and, well, it wasn’t great.

Since then, things haven’t been much better…

Over the past week, Kyrie has not only declined his player option, but has also parted ways with his agent. Reports suggest he’ll sign with Roc Nation, a sports management firm founded by Beyonce’s husband—owner of the extremely successful subscription-based streaming service, TIDAL. Reports also suggest he’ll sign with the Brooklyn Nets because the Brooklyn Nets are a good basketball team.

Now, all that is good and well. Things just didn’t work out. It was one of those classic “It’s not me, it’s you” type of situations. What bugs me is all the extra-curricular bullshit Kyrie pulls.

Before he landed in Boston, all that flat Earth shit should’ve been a red flag, but it’s easy to dismiss absurdity when you’re drilling daggers in the finals; when you’re single-handedly imploding a 5-year rebuilding process, there are just some things your need to clean up.

During a fill-in spot on Colin Cowherd’s show, Doug Gottlieb told some secondhand story about an exchange between Kyrie and Coach Brad Stevens before a film session. You can navigate to the link above if you want, but the general gist of the conversation was as follows:

Coach Stevens: “Morning, Kyrie.”
Normal Kyrie: “What does government mean to you?”
Coach Stevens: [insert your typical “what the fuck kind of question is that?” response] What does it mean to you, Kyrie?
Normal Kyrie: “Control…”

Like, what the fuck man? The only thing that would’ve made that story better would’ve been if Kyrie showed up to the meeting with dyed green hair, white face paint, and a violet suit…

In a nutshell, Kyrie’s that guy who stuffs money in the floorboards of his house because he doesn’t trust banks. Kyrie’s that guy who sabotages the July 4th cookout with a flood of baseless, impressively obscure opinions on Israel. Kyrie’s Netflix “suggested for you” stream includes Loose Change, Ancient Aliens, Ghost Hunters, and Finding Bigfoot. Kyrie’s the guy who thinks he’s the smartest person in the room because he doesn’t accept substantiated facts on face value. He thinks he’s a genius simply because because he’s capable of expressing doubt.

In other words, Kyrie’s an incredible talent but he’s flat out not operating with a full deck of cards. He’s like this forlorn scholar seeking out the meaning of life, but instead of being this forlorn scholar seeking out the meaning of life, he’s just some douchebag who’s good at finishing around the rim.

GOOD NEWS THOUGH: Kyrie, Nike, and Nickelodeon have apparently teamed up to create a Spongebob Squarepants-themed line of sneakers because Squidward rigged the 2016 election.

– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)

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