Power Rankings: If NFL QBs were Office Managers

What would it be like if your favorite NFL QB was your boss? I’ve given you a small glimpse and ranked them from worst to first for you. Enjoy.

32. Ben Roethlisberger – He’s the boss that every single Sexual Harassment Law for the Workplace was ever written. He skeeves you out just being near him. He quite literally will chase away the best talent in your office and claim he was the only reason for their success.

31. Jamies Winston – Your manager, the guy who signs your checks, refers to himself as ‘Famous Jameis’. Do you have any idea how annoying that gets? Never go out on the town or take an Uber ride with this guy. The employees will beg for a less talented person to be manager just because they know the other guy will care more.

30. Josh Allen – Highly sought after by the higher ups, no one in the office can really figure out why. First he loses this job to a guy named Peterman and then he comes back and is pretty much blah. The Buffalo office really hasn’t known how to pick good managers since the 80s.

29. Eli Manning – If it wasn’t for nepotism this guy would be working on the loading dock of your paper sales company. Instead he’s the manager and outside of two very good quarters of leading the office, he’s been very blah as a manager.

28. Sam Darnold – If you were hoping for a manager with a big head and a larger ego, look no further. Literally we throw staplers near him to see how long they stay in orbit around his head. Not the smartest guy running an office but shit this ain’t brain surgery.

27. Aaron Rodgers – We were at the family BBQ last year when his own brother took a swing at him. He’s cool and all but there’s something off about him. Like the guy was dating everyone’s dream girl. She had the looks and the personality. He then dumps her and picks up someone everyone hates. Doesn’t make any sense.

26. Kirk Cousins – This dude is just too hyped up to be a manager you’d ever enjoy. For median tasks he screams “You Like That, You Like That” in every secretaries face. He gets paid top dollar for coming up short regularly and office morale always drops when he’s around.

25. Andy Daulton – He literally sucks the soul out of the entire office. He’ll then bring back hope and show flashes of how great things can be underneath him but then it all goes back to being shit. Literally got the un-fireable fired.

24. Jared Goff – How did this dumbass become your boss? Every time you come to him with a problem he looks at you blankly. As you should’ve before you went to him, you go to his assistant manager, Gurley, who literally carries the office. Unfortunately for you, he’ll keep his job because the talent around him will make him look good for years to come.

23. Lamar Jackson – This manager literally shoots from the hip. Everything is last minute and run and gun. He really drives you nuts because he won’t pass anything off when he needs to. He will literally run with it until he’s forced to throw a project to someone else.

22. Mitchell Trubisky – The higher ups keep insisting we are going to like this kid manager they thrust on us. They spent a ton to get him here and he really doesn’t seem that special for all the cost. Constantly dumping stuff off to some guy named Cohen in the office.

21. Phillip Rivers – No one, I mean no one, could’ve seen it coming when he successfully fought for Paternity leave in your office. Guy is great at what he does but he’s never at work. Rumor has it his wife is already pregnant again.

20. Russell Wilson – He really is a nice guy, easy to get along with and a great boss but the whole pushing chastity down everyone’s throats gets so annoying. There’s also some kind of weird beef between him and the other office. Some inner business rivalry that doesn’t make any sense.

19. Andrew Luck – He’s the company wide golden boy. He’s been the one promised to the founders on golden tablets the day they founded the company. When he’s been there he lives up to that hype. There’s a problem though. When he’s there. He missed a whole year of work and other times he’s missed large chunks just leaving the whole office floundering.

18. Case Keenum – This Manager was miserable everywhere he went until he found a home in an office in Minnesota. For a year he excelled and busted his ass for them. The employees loved him. They then chose someone more expensive and less qualified to take his place and he’s gone back to being miserable and not so great at his job. Real shame.

17. Baker Mayfield – I guess this depends where you’re at in your life. As an older guy, when this young guy full of piss and vinegar came in, I wasn’t a fan. Sure he’s good at what he does but the guys too young to be this fucking cocky.

16. Marcus Mariota – He’s a really cool guy and he does his job well here in the office. But he’s constantly going out sick and his relationship with his college coach really creeps everyone out. The coach calls him every day incessantly hoping to hang out. What a weirdo.

15. Kyler Murray – A new hire in the office so he’s a complete unknown. Rumor has it that he gave up tons of money to play minor league baseball to be the leader of the office. Let’s just hope he doesn’t come up short working for us.

14. Jimmy Garrapolo – He sat behind a great manager as an assistant for many years to finally get his shot. Sadly he had to go right out on medical leave so we really don’t know how he would have done. The intangibles of being a great manager are there.

13. Cam Newton – Actually this Guy is an all world Manager. Dress down day is everyday. One rule, gotta be dressed fly. He’s awesome at what he does and he dresses like a balla. The negative is the constant questioning of his attitude from everyone. It brings the morale of the whole office down but if not he’d be an all time great.

12. Tom Brady – Man you want to hate this guy but you can’t. He’s cool. He’s calm. He’s collected. He’s out to win and bring the whole office right with him. You’re hitting sales goals and cashing huge commission checks. Here’s the catch: he wants you to cheat and steal what rightfully should belong to someone else if you didn’t cheat. You game to do that?

11. Carson Wentz – This guy knows how to build great camaraderie and team work among the office staff. I would just say he goes too far. He expects us to go hunting 4-5 times a year with him and doing all sorts of charity functions. Then, on Sundays, he’s baptizing other employees and holding group church services. If you’re up for a very active manager, Carson is your guy.

10. Derek Carr – He’s brought success to the most under performing office in the company but still questioned for everything he does. A fun guy to be around but you can see he is stressed knowing the higher ups are definitely looking to replace him within a year.

9. Dak Prescott – Not many managers can handle obscure and explosive personalities the way this guy can. He really has stepped up to make the best of his office and the personnel. You can say he’s a great game manager when he is not getting body slammed and stomped on in parking lots.

8. Deshaun Watson – Despite having crappy superiors, Deshaun has run his office well and proven his worth amongst his coworkers. The time they’ve spent without him has proven why he’s a great manager.

7. Joe Flacco – The all time all time game manager. He managed his office to the ultimate prize and cashed in big. Now he’s just seen as being highly over paid for what he does. A recent office transfer will really tell the truth about Joe Flacco.

6. Patrick Mahomes – This Guy brings all the intangibles to the office. Once thought to have been given the position too soon, he’s quickly proven why he deserves to be office manager. He’s even managed the personalities of two all world office pieces of shit well and without incident in the office.

5. Matt Stafford – If you’re looking for a company man, look no further. He’s stood by a crap company and ran his position well for many years. He just quietly goes about his business keeping his people in check and doing his job well. He does all this while dealing with injury time and time again. Tough as nails and still cares for his wife at home who has gone through her own illness.

4. Matt Ryan – He is just your standard boss. Prep school educated with a degree from Boston College, a smart guy that is just so damn dominant in his office. He’s not much of a traveling salesman and that always kinda hinders him but at home he’s cool as ice.

3. Nick Foles – This guy is the nicest manager you have ever had. He’s so supportive of everyone on the team and he just exudes confidence in everything he does. There’s only one problem with the guy. The hammer between his legs has every girl in the office hoping to be called to the managers office, even your office crush.

2. Ryan FitzPatrick – Guy has an Ivy League education and is just so damn cool. He runs the office excellently and handles even the most volatile office personalities well. His one negative is his beard makes him look like he smells like shit.

1. Drew Brees – He’s the old man of the office but still can run and gun like a young guy. Whatever you ask of him he will do and more. He also cares greatly for his community doing more than you could ever ask for. No one ever leaves working for him saying “He’s a huge dick”, cause he’s not. He will work with his employees until they’re as great as he is. All around great office manager.


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