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The Reign Of Boston Sports Is Officially Over…

Joey Boats

Disclaimer: It probably isn’t, but by the time I’m proven wrong, most will forget this blog…

It’s currently Thursday and we are roughly a full work day removed from the Bruins stinker against St. Louis last night. For those keeping score, the Blues are officially your 2019 Stanley Cup champions.

Now, I’m not a big hockey guy. The extent of my hockey knowledge starts and ends with NHL 12, as well as my .937 save percentage as Plymouth County’s premier street hockey goalie. I used to play under the alias Hoviak Sloviak—“The Soviet Hammer.” They never went glove side because they couldn’t go glove side…

Anyway, the main reason I’m writing this blog is because I haven’t seen it yet; however, I know some dickhead nobody who perpetually gets buried in Metro will ultimately be looking for social media traction. I’m here to beat them to it because I’m a fucking journalist…

So yeah, the reign of Boston sports is officially over…

It was a fun ride while it lasted but the Bruins just coughed one up to a team that was dead last in January, Brady isn’t getting any younger, Belichick traded up to snag a punter at the draft, the Red Sox are battling a .500 record, Kyrie just opted out of his deal, the Revolution have the second worst record in the Eastern conference, and lacrosse isn’t really even a sport.

Not to mention, John Havlicek just died, Danny Ainge recently suffered a minor heart attack, David Ortiz is currently recovering from a failed assasination attempt at Mass General, and Boston’s incredibly congenial, well-intentioned “Straight Pride” parade may not even happen.

When it rains it pours, and as I write this from the driver’s side of my 2014 Ford Fiesta (the “Sex Machine”), it’s actually drizzling out. The road’s are slippery and I won’t be surprised if there’s a 30+ car pileup on the Mass Pike due to slippage and a surplus of still-drunk massholes with less than apt reaction time.

It’s just a sad day to be from Boston, but alas, there’s hope. According to TWO polls released yesterday, Boston’s ravenous moutpiece Elizabeth Warren has passed Bernie Sanders in both state and national Democratic approval ratings. Not to mention, the Sox absolutely HAMMERED the Rangers yesterday 4-3.

So there’s hope for us Boston fans this morning, but it’s fleeting. The reign of Boston sports is officially over, until it’s not and everyone forgets this blog.

In the meantime, feed me clicks…

– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)

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