Okay, so it’s Wednesday and I went mini golfing for the third straight weekend on Saturday. If that isn’t enough evidence, allow me to clarify that I’m a HUGE mini golf guy.
Back in the day, I was a absolute buzzsaw in the New England area. You should’ve saw the hoards of putt fans that would surround the bricks to catch a glimpse at greatness.
When I would venture down to Cape Cod during the Summer, the Barnstable County economy skyrocketed. Local commerce boomed. Hell, there are probably several establishments within a mile radius of the local Pirate’s Cove that are still in business today because of my efforts.
But that’s neither here nor there (I don’t enjoy bragging)…
What is “here” and “there” is that I would like to propose a new reality show where I—the foremost authority in mini golf—travel around the globe, rescuing mini golf courses from inevitable bankruptcy. As I always say: “There are no bad mini golf courses, only bad mini golf course owners.”
Given my expertise and sociopathic charm, I think I could be the mini golf version of Jon Taffer.
As for a title, I was thinking “Putt Police” or “Putt Patrol” or something. The only problem is that I would need funding, but that’s where Branded Sports—if they aren’t stupid—come in. All I would need is a few mil to cover the overhead, plus beer and online porn subscripton money throughout the week.
Here are a few principles I would enforce throughout my endeavors…
- Have a fucking theme. If you want to be successful in this industry, you need to have some continuity from hole to hole. I don’t want to be putting under a dragon, followed by a hole where you need to send one through Anne Frank’s ass to get to a lower platform. If your course is called Candy Land, give me gum drop deserts, followed by candy cane valleys, followed by ruhypnol forests.
- Get rid of all the holes with the alternating pipes unless the superior pipe location (relative to the hole) is significantly more difficult to achieve. Doing otherwise completely takes the skill out of it; not to mention, it lengthens the course, occupying real estate that could be better utilized.
- Last hole should ALWAYS present an opportunity for a free round in exchange for an ace. You aren’t paying groundskeepers (if you were, I wouldn’t be rescuing your course) and nobody ever shows up for a single round. In other words, that longshot incentive could make the difference between a foursome heading to tour establishment or down the street to the competitor.
- Have multiple club lengths. Ideally I’m looking for 3-4 options here. Personally, I always use the 1-footer club routinely reserved for toddlers because I’m used to operating a short shaft. It provides me the ball manipulation I need to dominate.
- Install a spongey, yoga mat-like material underneath the felt to recreate the feel of an actual green. It can’t be much more expensive to do so and it will make ALL the difference. If not, your golfers are essentially putting on glorified concrete.
- Have a diverse collection of ball colors. Offering colors from a standard color palette is a cuck move. If I want burnt sienna, fucking have it. If I’m feeling Cerulean, fucking have it.
- Need at least one cave hole. Not sure why, but the standard is the standard. Caves are provocative…
Okay, that’s about it. I could add more but I don’t want to spoil the series. It’s officially time to shut it the fuck down and if Branded gets off its fat ass and gives me the 3-4 mil I’ve requested, we could have gold on our hands…
– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)