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At Long Last, The Straights Are Getting A Straight Pride Parade In Boston

BadGalAli

The straights have really put the City of Boston in a pickle with this one.  Once they get daddy’s lawyer involved, the city probably has no choice but to bend the knee and let these crazy straights have their damn parade.

Linked to the page “SuperHappyFunAmeria.com”, this community of super happy fun straight Americans are planning Boston’s first Straight Pride Festival.

FINALLY STRAIGHT PEOPLE WILL HAVE THEIR VOICES HEARD

All I can say is FINALLY! I couldn’t possibly put it any better than the President of Super Happy Fun America:

“Straight people are an oppressed majority. We will fight for the right of straights everywhere to express pride in themselves without fear of judgement and hate. The day will come when straights will finally be included as equals among all of the other orientations.” – John Hugo, President of Super Happy Fun America

We may not be at that day yet, but the Straight Pride Parade is just one step in the right direction to getting equal rights for straight people. This is monumental for the straight community, and there is absolutely no chance that anyone goes to the parade in full rainbow gear for the gayest event Boston has ever seen. Straight Pride might actually turn out to be gayer than Gay Pride.

Here is a glimpse of the Super Happy Fun Americans you can expect to see waving the Straight Pride flag at the Straight Pride Parade.

What will the floats in the Straight Pride Parade even be? A Home Depot lumber aisle? An interactive Pinterest board? A couple in bed having an “I’m tired”-off? They hand out gas station blue tinted sunglasses and Red Bulls?

Seriously I am not exactly proud to be straight, especially in Boston. Have you seen the crop of straights here in Boston? Not exactly a pick of the litter when everyone averages 5’5 and only 4 R’s per day. If I see one more fucking scally cap on Hinge I’m going to lose it. Instagram girlfriends aren’t any better. The pressure of posting a good enough Valentine’s Day post or getting a good sunset pic at your boyfriend’s college friend’s wedding on the Cape can be crippling. Is that something we’re really proud of guys?

The City of Boston has not fully approved any permits for the actual parade, so like usual this group of straight guys is jumping the gun.

But be warned, not all are welcome at the Straight Pride Parade.

PARTICIPATE

No registration is required.  The event is free and open to the public.  All are welcome.  Antifa (short for Anti-Fun) is not welcome because they oppose happiness and fun.

If all else fails with the Super Happy Fun America straight community, at least we have the coolest mascot around. How can things go wrong when you’ve got Brad Pitt, the adopted leader of the straights to endorse such a worthy cause?

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 I look forward to supporting my fellow straights the day of this Straight Pride Parade by sitting on my couch watching Neflix and ignoring any important social responsibility.

@aliweitz

 

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