My Biannual Blog on Why Apple Consumers Are Morons…

So it’s Tuesday and Apple held it’s annual Worldwide Developer Conference this week where thousands of Cheeto-stained virgins flooded the ballroom of some glorified Best Western to jack eachother off as some Silicon Valley dweller in Kohl’s jeans showcases a new feature where your iPhone can automatically detect, identify, and sort dick pics into a particular folder for easier consumption.

Yesterday, Apple released a ton of news. Most notably, Apple announced a $1000 monitor stand—what a STEAL—as well as their plan to dissolve iTunes, which means no more long winded user agreements to blindly sign or automatically added U2 songs where the proceeds I never donated go to some manitee preservation charity in Australia.


Disclaimer: I’m the sultan of run-on sentences…

So yeah, I thought today would be the perfect day to release my biannual blog on why Apple consumers are morons. Here goes nothing… (literally)

Every year, Apple unveils their new iPhone; and every year, millions of people flood retail outlets across the globe the latch their wet fingers around Cupertino’s newest iSomething.

But before I venture any further, I don’t hate Apple’s products; I just hate how the company elects to unveil their products. It’s as if they manufacture products with the understanding that they aren’t perfect.

In other words, Apple knows that their forthcoming product could easily be refined; however, they would rather just go ahead and release it so they can come out with an “enhanced version” a month later.

Why? Because they know people would willingly amputate their left hand to get their right hand on it.

So why do people want the new iPhone every year? Because it’s slimmer and sleeker, of course. Even though the first iPhone was thinner than one of the Olsen twins, seemingly every iPhone that Apple has rolled out since has been slimmer and sleeker. It’s to the point where I’m waiting for Apple to come out with a two-dimensional iPhone that appears non-existent when viewed from the side.

And although the iPhone is the best representation of Apple’s autocratic stranglehold on its consumers, the evolution of their entire product line is just as ridiculous. To simplify things, I’ve listed the evolution below:

  • 2001: Apple releases the iPod because the world realized it needed a way to store all of the music it illegally downloaded.
  • 2007: Apple releases the iPhone because the world realized it needed a way to store all of the music it illegally downloaded on the same software it uses to make phone calls.
  • 2013: Apple releases the iTouch because the world realized it needed a larger iPod, but even more importantly, an iPhone that couldn’t make phone calls.
  • 2013 (continued): Apple releases the iPad because the world realized it needed a larger iTouch, which was essentially a larger iPhone that couldn’t make phone calls.
  • 2013 (continued further): Apple Releases the iPad Mini because the world realized that even though it needed a larger iTouch, which was essentially a larger iPhone that couldn’t make phone calls, it didn’t need that large of an iTouch, and more importantly, that large of an iPhone that couldn’t make phone calls.
  • 2015 (and since then): Apple releases whatever size phone with whatever features they want because Apple consumers would literally dig up the rotting carcass of Steve Jobs and give him the ole’ Orchids of Asia treatment if they could.

Thus, we’re full circle. We’re officially back to shoveling out $500 for “enhanced” products that we, in principle, owned back in 2007. Talk about a brilliant marketing scheme…

Side Note: I’m fully convinced the whole “no headphone jack” was a test. I feel like Cupertino was just like “let’s see what these fucking idiots will let us get away with.”

[sent via iPhone]

– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)

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