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Philadelphia Inquirer Writes Bizarre Love Letter To Jason Segel

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Philly Inquirer:  “Dear Jason Segel,

Welcome to Philly! I heard you were in town filming the upcoming AMC series Dispatches from Elsewhere and since I’ve had a wild crush on you for the better part of a decade, I thought I’d offer to take you around the city. More specifically, I’d like to point how Philadelphia is almost Jason Segel-themed if you know where to look.

After some light Googling (see: CSI-level stalking, which you’d know about since you appeared on that show more than once) I learned you normally live on an orange grove in Ojai, Calif.. That sounds lovely and, since you insist, we can go there on our second date (by which I mean when I text you in a month to say I just so happen to be outside your house). For now, why don’t we start our day with a leisurely stroll along the Schuylkill River Trail? This patch of grass would be the perfect place to reenact your stretching scene with Leslie Mann in This is 40 – if you don’t mind, I’ve got a ton of tension in my hamstrings.

Since you always circle back to the Muppets, I can’t help but think your ideal spouse is wild like Animal, earnest like Kermit, comically gifted like Fozzie Bear and notoriously strong-willed like Miss Piggy. On a totally unrelated note, one time a homeless man on 16th and Walnut told me I looked like a blonde pig in a dress. Just throwing that out there.”

Talk about a nightmare scenario. You get to a city you’re not too familiar with and one of their biggest publications lets a writer throw this nonsense out there. I don’t want to speak for Jason since, like you Beck, I’ve never met the guy. But, hard pass. Not turning a ton of heads by bragging about a homeless man calling you a pig. Wouldn’t exactly call that a resume builder.

Someone needs to throw some cold water on this lady. How thirsty are you?

 “I know you won the state championship for basketball in high school, perhaps you’d be interested in seeing the courts where Kobe Bryant played back in the day. Maybe we could even engage in a little one-on-one? Your nickname might be Dr. Dunk, but I’ve got the scrap — and I play very tight defense.)”

My goodness Beck. Very tight defense? Not going to go with the “imagine if a man said this about an actress” route but could you imagine? There would be uproar all over twitter. I think I’d actually love to watch that fire storm. Some old beat writer or somebody like that publishes an article about grinding up on Margot Robbie. He’d have to resign by lunch time. And that apology tweet would be priceless.

“I would like to apologize to everyone I offended and hurt with my insensitive piece. While yes I do want to “boink” Ms. Robbie in the kitchen of Geno’s after they close, it was wrong for me to say that.”

Joking aside, this is weird as fuck. I could make another joke about just how weird it is, but Toboggan said it better than I can:

 

If you’re one of these places that probably paid to have your name shouted out in an article, you’re most likely calling today to get your money back. “Listen we wanted you to mention our book store, not talk about molesting a celebrity in the sci-fi section.” So safe travels out there Jason. Keep your head on a swivel, because you never know what coo coo for cocoa puffs people are lurking in the dark. Waiting to finger pop you while you’re trying to enjoy your time in the city.

Featured Image: Heightline

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