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I Absolutely DESPISE The Sprint Guy…

Joey Boats

Okay, so I’ve only blogged maybe 2-3 times in the last couple weeks and the reason is pretty simple: I’ve just been so preoccupied with snorting preworkout and rawdogging self conscious, morally reprehensible twenty-somethings who frequent the dive bars around Boston.

Disclaimer: The above paragraph was a venture into frivolity. None of what I mentioned was factually accurate. I actually very rarely indulge in sexual intercourse. Joke’s on you guys.

Anyway, I recently downloaded a Hulu account exclusively for South Park and Rick and Morty (the latter of which just announced their new season will premier in November, by the way). Upon subscribing, I was offered the $12/month subscription with zero ads, or the $6/month subscription, which features ads.

Obviously I went with the cheaper solution because I’m not some degenerate, soft serve millenial cuck incapable of entertaining anything if it arrives without the prospect of instant gratification. I don’t enjoy things unless there’s a little pushback involved. I feed on adversity of sport. I embrace the grind…

So yeah, I went with the ads option and one of the most prominent advertising campaigns on the app is the one from Sprint that features Paul Marcarelli—the “Can you hear me now” guy.

For those who’ve spent the last decade subsisting on powdered fruit in some bomb shelter, Marcarelli was formerly the spokseperson for Verizon. Evidently, they terminated their contract with him a little while back and Marcarelli immediately went to Sprint because Marcarelli is a steaming pile of perfidious dog shit.

Now, this move has bothered me for quite some time. Everytime I see that smug bastard’s face, steam flows from my ears like the waters of the Colorado River. I become so enraged that I need to crank one off to one of my favorite Vietnamese midget porn scenes just to regain some sense of tranquility.

Whenever I’ve brought this up, people always say stuff like “Well, what do you want him to do?” or “Verizon let him go; he should be free to do what he wants.”

And you know what? I actually don’t disagree. However, that doesn’t mean this meatball-eating son of a bitch is off the hook. What he did was trecherous. Just an all time dirtbag move and if you say otherwise, you’re getting judged for it.

I mean, you don’t cross picket lines in any business. This clown sat on fat checks for YEARS. And to do what? Aimlessly meander through exotic landscapes and utter a SINGLE line of dialogue? Talk about a cakewalk of a career.

Verizon literally CARRIED this fucking moron to sociocultural relevancy. Everything this guy has in his life, he owes to Verizon. They stuffed millions and millions of dollars down his throat for over a decade. And what does he do to repay them? Take the first fucking offer from a direct competitor. That’s an all-time low move and I refuse to respect it.

So yeah, fuck Paul Marcarelli…

– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)

Disclaimer (X2): This blog sucked. As I said, I’m a little rusty. Don’t let me get loose again though. Expect heaters in a couple days. I low-key thoroughly enjoyed a veggie burger the other day.

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