Now That I Hate Sports, I’m Watching The Bachelorette

As a Philly sports fan, I am no stranger to pain and suffering. In fact, at this point I’m almost numb to it. I’ve laughed off injuries and losses every year as just part of my life. But Sunday…Sunday broke me. When Kawhi Leonard’s last second shot finally fell in thanks to the Gods above after the 87th bounce, I knew I needed a mental health break from sports.

On Sunday night, I watched House Hunters. HOUSE HUNTERS. In an effort to avoid sports, I am now a middle aged Mom who drinks wine until she falls asleep with the glass still in her hand.
But I couldn’t quit the competitive nature of sports cold turkey. That’s how I stumbled upon The Bachelorette. 30 guys competing for the heart of one girl. It’s my new outlet and my television fix.
Monday night was my first time watching. It’s very unlike the other videos I’ve seen with 30 guys and one girl in a room when a kid in middle school tricked me and told me RedTube was just a version of YouTube with downloadable music.
Although, it’s a lot less eye opening than THOSE videos. I guess I’ll watch weekly and do a review.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS: This is the worst fucking show ever and I miss sports. And I’m not saying that to be Macho Guy, because I used to watch For the Love of New York and all that on VH1 back in the day. Now THAT was entertainment.
I mean, one guy showed up on a tractor (more on him later), another popped out of a box. It was 30 straight corny pick up lines in a row as the guys met “Hannah”, this season’s bachelorette. The second-hand awkwardness was OOZING out of this episode and I legitimately felt bad for her.
Luke P – This guy is a solid mix between Bryce Harper and Zack from Saved by the Bell as far as looks go. He got the first impression rose and was the first to get some quality alone time with Hannah. He went all-out with the “if you ain’t first, you’re last” strategy.
Mike Johnson – This is my horse in the race. I don’t know what it is but I think this combo of him and Hannah is just weird enough to work.
Peter – Not even my favorite pilot in the first episode but I think at one point they made out so that helps his case. I could be wrong on that, this really tested my attention span.
BEST SCENE – This guy Scott showed up with a girlfriend and it took about 30 seconds for them to find out. He attempted the worst lie of all time when Hannah confronted him about it. He got sent home immediately. Also, I didn’t like his tie.
BIGGEST HEARTBREAK: Matt Donald, who has two deaf parents got sent home first episode. He was the one who showed up on a tractor. Really thought he was gonna pull on the heartstrings.
So, that wraps up the first review of this season’s Bachelorette. I miss sports. I can’t believe that shot went in. Tune back next week to see where Hannah is at with finding love.
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