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I Think It’s Time For KFC To Get Into A New Scandal

Branded Sports

Barstool

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Let me start by clearing something up right away. I’m the biggest Sixers fan in the world not named Alan Horwitz. I live and die with the team and my twitter account is like 1/3 Sixers takes or live game tweeting. With that being said, here’s the deal.. After the Sixers loss on Sunday, KFC tweeted this out about Embiid and his girlfriend:

Many people, especially Philly fans, did not take this too kindly. They had some choice words for KFC and his past discretions.

Once again, before I go any further, let me go on record and say, I’m a huge Sixers guy. Seeing Joel cry broke my heart. BUT, come on guys. Why are we as a fan base so soft when it comes to people taking shots at us? First off, it was a joke. Think we all need to lighten up a little.

What he said was Embiid and his IG girlfriend making out was funny. I don’t recall him saying “lol fuck you Joel you piece of shit loser. Glad you lost and fuck Philly and fuck everyone that likes the Sixers, I hope you all die!”

For some reason there are a group of Philly fans that can’t handle when someone takes shots at us, and actively look for people to slight our city. One of the best parts of sports is talking shit to other sports fans. The Knicks fans crying last night was hilarious, I couldn’t get enough of it. Feed me that forever.

But the second someone says anything negative we go all “you cheated brooooo.” You’re probably thinking, why does he care? And some of you are probably saying I’m not a real Philly sports fan. For those people I just say, k because there’s no convincing you otherwise and I honestly don’t care.

But there are two reasons I bring this up. 1. It makes Philly look soft. 2. The “you cheated” joke is so played out, and there is nothing worse than a played out joke. Like repetitive small talk. “Hey bob how’s the job?” “Still a million dollars away from being a millionaire.” “LOLOLOLOLOLOL” Kill me. If you’re going to make fun of the guy, get creative.

Which brings me to my point of writing this – we need Kevin to get himself into a new scandal. It’s clear that the creative juices aren’t flowing, so we’re going to need some new material. I’ve come up with a few options:

1. Murder. Let’s start big. Fuck it. Maybe kill Portnoy. Poison his pizza, or since he calls his new office an insane asylum, make it look like a suicide attempt. If anything, they’ll just blame All Business Pete.

2. Money Laundering. Kevin has the background knowledge for it and there can’t be a better way to clean money than Barstool. Push it through some fake company that wants to advertise on KFC Radio. This week’s sponsor, Jimmy’s Forklifts. Need a little shimmy, just call Jimmy.

3. Get with a coworker. Erika? Go all the way to the CEO. Getting the CEO knocked up would be a show-stopping spectacle. It would also give Kevin a little leverage over Dave. Baby daddy to the CEO? Pretty sweet title.

4. Lastly, go gay with Feits. Think about it. You two are basically married already annnnndddd it’s 2019. You can’t attack a gay guy about being gay in 2019. It’s a get out of jail free card. “You’re so gay Kevin” “Yeah I know, what about it you bigot.” Boom that’s a W, or, “Hey remember when you cheated on your wife?” “Sorry I just wasn’t happy as a straight man.” It’s a no lose situation.

So Kevin take your pick. Just give the people some new material so my timeline isn’t filled with the same corny comebacks. The jokes stopped landing, and at this point, I feel like I’m the one being punished having to read them over and over. I deserve better. So go gay Kevin, go gay for all of us that are tired of the same dead horse being beaten. Let’s kill a gay horse….or something like that.

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